


Godhood Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

by Weevilo707



Series: Davekat Week 2015 [6]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Davekat Week, Day Six, Depression, First Meetings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reincarnation, Sadstuck, Suicidal Thoughts, They win the game but only the godtiers survive, all others are reincarnated with no memories, mentioned aradia/sollux, mentioned john/roxy, mentioned pale vriska/terezi, mentioned rose/kanaya - Freeform, sort of, the rosemary is pretty minor i will admit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4730687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weevilo707/pseuds/Weevilo707
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They won the game. They all worked hard to beat that skeleton fuck and create a universe safe from the mechanics of the game. But when they walked through that door, Dave felt the hand he’d been holding tightly in his fade away.</p><p>Everyone who wasn’t a god tier had been wiped away the second they walked through that <em>fucking</em> door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Being a god wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

They had all known that yeah, that was the point of the game, and it seemed like a pretty sweet gig at the time. Just being able to chill out for all eternity doing whatever the fuck they wanted.

Of course, Dave had thought that included _all_ of them. They _all_ worked together to beat that skeleton fuck and create this universe safe from the game to live in. But when they walked through the door, Dave felt the hand he’d been holding tightly in his fade away.

He barely had time to process that the space next to him was empty before he heard Rose screaming and Aradia calling for Sollux.

He wasn’t able to form words or shriek or run around in a panic like Vriska was looking for Terezi. All he could do was stay glued to his spot, slowly realizing that he was gone. Karkat was gone.

Everyone who wasn’t a god tier had been wiped away the second they walked through that _fucking_ door.

The first hundred or so years (283 years, 28 days, 14 hours, 32 minutes and 11 seconds) were really fucking tough for everyone. John and Jade and the kids from the scratched session tried their best to keep everyone’s spirits up. The loss hit them too, but nowhere near as hard. They didn’t have three plus years to get close to the trolls, and that wasn’t even fucking counting how alone Aradia and Vriska now were.

Dave hadn’t ever seen Vriska cry before. Honestly, he didn’t know that was a thing she could do. Losing Terezi hit her like a punch in the gut though.

It was slow going, but after a while there was progress. John and Jade would force them to check out their new planet, some weird hybrid of Earth and Alternia. Sometimes these trips just set Dave even further back though, and he’d end up locked in his room for months on end, just thinking about how fucking much Karkat would have loved it here. He could have dismantled all of that hemospectrum bullshit before it even got started.

Dirk would usually be the one to eventually get him to leave his room again, if just to get something to eat. They didn’t need to eat anymore, but hunger was still definitely a thing they could feel.

When he got like this though, he fucking welcomed the gnawing pain in his stomach. At the very least it was a distraction from his thoughts. He could just focus on that and not on the way Karkat would have barged into his room by now and forced some shitty as all hell sandwich into his hands and make him eat it. He would have put both mustard and mayonnaise on it and way too much fucking meat because he didn’t understand human food but Dave would have ate it anyway since it was so fucking obvious how hard he was trying.

Dirk would softly knock on his door and wait outside until Dave said he could come in. Sometimes it would take a few hours, but Dirk never bothered knocking more than once, knowing Dave was aware he never left. Then they would sit in silence until Dave’s dam would break open.

He’d rant about how this whole existence was fucking awful. How the game had to go and give him the greatest fucking person in paradox space only to rip him away. He’d yell about how he didn’t fucking want to be a god. If he was capable of dying them _maybe_ he’d get to see Karkat again!

Dirk never said much, just letting Dave get it out of his system until he was a sobbing mess. Eventually he would calm down enough that Dirk could lead him out of the room and force him to eat a bowl of cereal.

As time went on these episodes happened less. The first time he left his home of his own accord (569 years, 119 days, 9 hours, 21 minutes and 43 seconds after they walked through that door) he knew it was a huge relief to the others. Aradia and Vriska both forced themselves to interact with others long before Dave did, and Rose had been on her way to becoming her normal self again for about the past fifty years.

Everyone was still on eggshells around him for a while, not wanting to say or do something to set him off. He appreciated it, but it also made him feel even fucking worse at points. He knew he was being pathetic, they didn’t have to be so obvious about the fact that they knew too.

A thousand years (1003 years, 290 days, 4 hours, 15 minutes and 31 seconds) after going through the door, and Dave only cried by himself at night. He could pretty much be his own self around the others, just a bit quieter, more subdued.

Everyone had changed though, so it wasn’t that big of a difference. He knew they were just happy he was hanging out and could crack jokes and shit again. He was happy about that too, even if he ended up falling asleep after crying into his pillow for a few hours more often than not.

Dave didn’t pay too much attention to the development of their world for quite a while. They all lived in their own little sanctum, voided out from the rest of the world thanks to Roxy. Jade would usually be the one to tell him what new happening was going on, letting him know when electricity and such was invented. He was pretty sure she was propelling the whole thing along a lot faster than was normal. That might also be due to troll technology being integrated and shit.

Once it started getting to a state they were all used to growing up (or well, everyone but Dirk and Roxy, hopefully it wouldn’t get back to what they considered normal) John came up with the bright idea that they should all finish school. Or start school, as was the case for pretty much everyone besides John, Jane and Rose.

That started their habit of going through school to pass the time. Rose really dove into it, going through college like six times. Dave knew at that point it was for the distraction more than the knowledge, but he didn’t press her on it. That was the only reason he started at first, and every decade or so he’d decide to hit up highschool again, see how it’d changed.

When Rose ended up pounding on his door one day after starting a new semester he didn’t know what to expect. They didn’t hang out much as just the two of them anymore. They were too aware of what the other was going through for it not to settle in the air like a thick fog after a while.

Opening the door, Dave was caught completely off guard when she slammed into his chest, clinging to him while she shook and sobbed into his shirt.

“Whoa, holy shit what’s wrong?” he asked, carefully maneuvering them to sit down on the bed.

“K-ka-kan,” she choked out between sobs. Dave rubbed her back as she continued to cry, figuring it’d be better to let him get it out before trying to understand what she was talking about. After about an hour (1 hour 8 minutes and 23 seconds) she managed to calm down enough that Dave decided to try again.

“Okay, what happened?” he asked carefully. Rose took a deep breath, trying to steady herself before speaking.

“Kanaya,” she managed, voice still breaking on her. Dave flinched at the name, not having heard anyone say it aloud in a really fucking long time (453 years, 5 months, 8 days, 31 minutes and 5 seconds).

“Yeah…” was all he could say, but Rose was shaking her head.

“No, no it’s not just that, I… it’s fuck, _fuck_ Dave, I _saw_ her!” she said, and Dave felt his body freeze up. The tears were coming back and Rose was trying desperately to wipe them away before it overwhelmed her again. After a moment Dave managed to get his brain back in gear enough to speak again.

“Rose, shit Rose, I’m sorry but fuck, you know that’s not…” he trailed off, his sister vigorously shaking her head once again. When he looked at her now there was a change in her posture, and Dave felt it like a stab in the chest.

She looked so fucking _hopeful._

“No, no Dave it was her! She- she goes to my college. She didn’t recognize me but maybe, maybe if I try I can get her to _remember,”_ she said, rambling more to herself than to Dave at this point. Each word was like twisting the knife, and he reached over, grabbing her shoulder and forcing her to look at him.

“Rose, listen to me. I’m so fucking sorry, but they’re gone. Even if this is her, reborn or some shit, she wouldn’t be immortal like us. You’d just have to go through losing her again,” Dave said, absolutely hating the rawness in his voice. Rose glared at him with waterlogged eyes, pushing him away as she stood up.

“I thought you of all people would understand! I don’t _care _if it’s not forever, I _need this!_ I need to be able to say goodbye!” Rose was shrieking at him now, and Dave couldn’t do anything but stare at her. When she turned on her heels and ran out of the room, he didn’t bother following her. Instead, he just sat on his bed, trying as fucking hard to block out the thoughts threatening to overcome him.__

Maybe Rose was right. Maybe this really was Kanaya.

If Kanaya was back then maybe…

If he could just see him _once…_

If he could just tell him how much he…

Maybe it would be enough. Maybe he could finally fucking move on.

He didn’t talk to Rose for a few months (3 months, 1 week, 4 days, 12 hours, 39 minutes and 41 seconds) after that. Word spread fast as fuck though, and Vriska had gone on a rampage to look for Terezi. Dave had thought for a while that she’d actually moved on, but it was clear as all hell that the second there was a chance she could be back Vriska wasn’t stopping until she found her.

Aradia was more on his side of things, cautious in order to keep from getting her hopes up. Not to mention the fact that even best case scenario they would have to watch them die all over again.

Regular lives were so fucking short. Rose and Vriska would be able to hold on to the ones they cared for longer, but Sollux and Karkat were lowbloods. They’d barely live for about the same amount of time as a normal human. It wouldn’t be enough. Dave couldn’t live through the torture of knowing every second that he was getting older and he would lose him all over again.

When John practically tackled him one day Dave didn’t think too much of it at first.

“Dave! Dave, you’re never going to believe this!” the other boy was pretty much yelling in his ear. Dave pushed him off and stood back up.

“Did they invent hover boards yet? I know Jade was saying something about that,” he asked, John shaking his head.

“Nope. I uh, okay, please try not to freak out, because this is a good thing. I think. I hope it is, because I know how unhappy you’ve been for such a long time now and I think this might fix that,” John said, and Dave sighed.

“Yeah, yeah what’s up?” he asked, just sort of hoping they could get this over with. John was much calmer as he continued.

“Okay so, I met someone today. I talked to him to make sure because I didn’t want it to be a false alarm and get your hopes all up over nothing but it really does seem to be him and I think it would really help you if you just talked to him even if he doesn’t remember anything and it might be awkward at first I could set you up or something,” John rambled. Dave could feel a rock sink deeper and deeper into his chest as he continued until he held up a hand trying to get him to stop.

“John. Who are you talking about?” he asked as evenly as he could, even though he was positive he already knew the answer.

“Karkat,” he said and before he’d even finished the word Dave was shaking his head, turning away and starting to pace about.

“No, no, no, no, fuck no John I can’t, fuck no no,” he was mumbling under his breath. He could feel the panic and hope and fear and desire welling in his chest to the point where he felt like he had to throw up.

“Dave, Dave please calm down, it’s okay,” John tried, but it only did the opposite.

“No! Fuck no, it’s not okay! I can’t do it John! I can’t! He’ll think I’m insane! If I see him, I’ll start crying or try to kiss him or tell him how much I love him and fucking _miss him_ and he won’t even know who I am! He won’t want anything to do with me I can’t _do this!”_ he was yelling. John was staring at him, clearly taken by surprise. He seemed to be thinking it over though, which was pretty unexpected.

“Maybe you can start off small?” he suggested.

“How?” Dave asked, not thinking it’d quite work to talk to him through a fucking glass wall or some shit.

“Um, I could get you his phone number? Or maybe like, instant message or something. Pesterchum isn’t a thing anymore but there’s other stuff you can use,” John said. Dave felt some of the panic start to ebb away, with it more hope rising up in its place.

He knew it would end horribly. He knew he’d either have to watch him die or Karkat would get freaked out and leave him but Rose was right he fucking needed this so bad.

“Yeah. Yeah okay, maybe that could work,” he managed to mumble out, John absolutely beaming at him.

“You won’t regret it, I swear!” he promised.

A few weeks later (2 weeks, 4 days, 12 hours 28 minutes and 16 seconds) John came bounding into his room.

“Okay, so I got his massager name for you because I thought if you heard his voice over the phone you might start crying or something. This way he won’t know even if you do,” he explained, handing him a slip of paper.

“Good call,” Dave said absently, staring at the name on the paper. CarcinoGeneticist. Dave couldn’t help but laugh into his hand.

“Really should have seen that coming. No fucking idea what I was expecting,” he muttered.

“Heh, yeah I felt pretty dumb after asking for it, but I mean, at least now it’s not like weird that we know,” John told him.

“What should I say to him?” Dave asked, realizing that there was no reason why he would message Karkat that would make sense to him. He could already see just how much this was going to be an uphill battle but damn it he was ready to go to fucking war.

When he looked up from the paper to John he could see the other boy laughing nervously.

“Okay, so, I _might_ have told him that I have a friend who has a crush on him but couldn’t work up the nerve to say hi in person,” he said. Dave grabbed the pillow by his hand and flung it at John, the other boy stopping it with his wind before it could even get close to touching him.

“Holy shit dude what the fuck!? He’s never even seen me before if we do end up meeting up he’s going to think I’m some creep!” Dave yelled. John shrugged sheepishly, already inching towards his door.

“I’m sure he’ll probably be heads over heels for you by then, well I better get going good luck bye,” John said hastily before flying out of the room. Dave had half a mind to chance after him but ultimately decided against it. Sighing deeply, he walked over to his computer (Jade had made sure to keep them all up with the latest and greatest tech invented) and fell into his chair.

Okay. He just needed to message him. Just send him a quick little ‘sup’ and maybe work towards getting back everything that had been torn away from him, if just for a moment.

Dave spent about an hour (1 hour 39 minutes and 24 seconds) staring at the chat screen with CarcinoGeneticist inside before he was finally able to work up the nerve to send him a request to chat.

Several painful long seconds (54 seconds) before an automatic message came back to him.

CarcinoGeneticist has accepted your request.

CG: OKAY, I DIDN’T EXPECT JOHN TO ACTUALLY GO SO FAR IN HIS PRANK.

It took Dave a moment to realize what he was talking about. Shit, this was going to be harder than he thought.

TG: oh no man this aint a prank  
TG: i dont know what john told you but i just want to talk  
CG: HOW DO I KNOW YOU’RE NOT HIM?  
CG: THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS LIKE A LOAD OF HOOFBEAST SHIT TO ME.

Okay, messaging was definitely a good way to start because Dave could already feel tears pricking at his eyes finally seeing that familiar text again. It’s been so long too fucking long.

TG: you can message him or something if you want  
TG: or i could send you a pic of me  
TG: so you know im both real and not like forty

He was much, much older than forty, but hey he didn't look it. 

CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW JOHN?  
TG: fuck we go way back  
TG: met when we were like ten online  
CG: YOU CAN SEND A PICTURE IF YOU WANT, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.  
turntechGodhead sent CarcinoGeneticist checkit.png

Dave sent him an older picture, since if he took one now it’d show what a fucking mess he was becoming. There was just so much shit he wanted to say but he couldn’t without scaring him off. He just had to play it cool for now.

He needed to talk to Rose and find out if she’d been making any progress on getting Kanaya to remember.

CG: OKAY, SO EITHER YOU’RE IN ON THE PRANK OR THIS IS REAL.  
CG: YOU SAID YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT JOHN TOLD ME?  
TG: nah  
TG: i just asked him if he could get me your handle  
TG: hope thats not like too weird or anything  
CG: NO IT’S FINE.  
CG: I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU AROUND BEFORE THOUGH.  
TG: ill be the first to admit im kind of a shut in  
TG: ive uh  
TG: seen you around with john a bit though  
CG: WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?  
TG: not particularly  
TG: you just seem like a cool dude  
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU SAW TO GIVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY SET IT RIGHT NOW  
CG: I AM NOT A COOL DUDE  
TG: no im pretty sure youre actually awesome  
TG: dont beat yourself up man  
CG: YOU’VE KNOWN ME FOR ALL OF FIVE MINUTES  
TG: yeah  
TG: but i got a good feel for these things  
CG: FINE, BUT I GAVE YOU A FAIR WARNING.  
CG: SO DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN I TURN OUT TO BE A PIECE OF SHIT.  
TG: okay that cements it  
TG: you are the greatest thing in all of paradox space  
TG: where have you been all my life  
CG: I WILL BLOCK YOU.  
TG: no need ill chill  
CG: SO, CAN I GET A NAME?  
CG: I’M SURE JOHN’S ALREADY GIVEN YOU MINE.  
TG: yeah sure thing karkat  
TG: its dave  
TG: really fucking nice to meet you  
CG: NICE TO MEET YOU TOO, I GUESS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, sorry this is so late in the day. I've been writing all of these on the daily and I didn't start the previous night like the others for this one. I do think I'm gonna do a part two to this, but I wanted to be able to make it before the day ended. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

College really wasn’t all it was fucking cracked up to be.

Alright, maybe that was being unfair to college. Karkat Vantas was pretty sure he could make even the most wonderful of happenings into something completely fucking miserable. It was sort of this special talent he had.

None of that changed the fact that he had been only a quarter in and the only class he’d gotten higher than a C in was his general education English class. Or that when he wasn’t in class he was in his room steadily avoiding his roommate’s attempts at inviting him places and listening to Terezi talk about what a great fucking time she was having on the other side of the country while trying not to let slip what an absolute horrible time he was having here.

Honestly, he didn’t know why he ever thought that it could have gone any better than this. He was a pathetic freak who could drop into self-loathing for weeks at a time at the drop of a hat and had only ever managed to keep one friend for longer than a few short months. That friend was now having the time of her life in some prestigious law school and instead of being happy for her like a decent god damn person he was just upset that she wasn’t there to walk him through every little change that came his way.

That was probably the exact reason why he was so fucking bad at keeping friends in the first place, but he’d always known he was scum. What else was new?

He was nearing the end of his first year when Terezi finally managed to nag him enough to get him to leave his apartment and try to find a job. Well, she just wanted _something_ for him to do when he wasn’t in class. He didn’t think it would help all that much, just a new location to be miserable at, but fuck, it wasn’t like he couldn’t use the money. Living off of student loans probably wasn’t the smartest decision in the world (even if he’d gotten a large sum of his school paid off with a scholarship for his mutation. Hurrah, the only time it had come in handy in his entire fucking life).

It had taken a few months since he wasn’t trying all that hard, but eventually Karkat managed to get a job stocking shit at a grocery store. Not the most glamorous, but it was simple and repetitive and the only time he had to talk to people what when they asked him where the produce section was because it was weirdly hidden away behind some random ass wall. He could deal with that bare minimum level of interaction.

He’d been restocking some cereal (he needed to get some more himself. That was another good thing about this job, he couldn’t make any excuses about not getting food, which he tended to do a lot) when he noticed someone staring at him at the end of the isle. He tried to ignore him for what was near about five fucking minutes, but he was just _watching_ him and okay, maybe the poor dude was too nervous to ask for help. Karkat had been there, was there a whole fucking lot, he could understand.

“Can I help you?” he asked, trying to keep up with his customer voice. It seemed to surprise the guy out of whatever stupor he’d been in, a jolt running through him before a huge smile spread across his face.

“Oh! Haha, sorry about that! Um, yeah, maybe you can help me with something,” he said, chewing on his lip as he seemed to look Karkat over. His eyes (really fucking blue eyes like god damn, Karkat was pretty sure most bluebloods didn’t even get eyes that bright) seemed to lock on his nametag and his smile got even wider.

“Karkat! Okay, you can definitely help me with something,” he said, and okay, this was weird. Was he about to be hit on? God, please let him not about to be hit on.

“The produce section is in the back behind the wall, if that’s what you need,” Karkat told him, hoping that he could get this over with as soon as possible so that he could go back to trying not to lock eyes with any customers. Unfortunately, this dude started shaking his head.

“No, no that’s not what I need, um, do you know, wheeeeeeeere the uh, peanut butter is?” he asked, and Karkat forced himself not to sigh as he nodded.

“This way,” he said, starting to lead him to the correct isle.

“So, um,” the other guy started, and damn it he was going to try to talk to him, wasn’t he? “How are you doing?” yep, he was.

“Fine,” Karkat answered, glad the peanut shit wasn’t far away.

“That’s cool,” he said. Karkat stopped in front of the peanut butter, turning back around to him.

“Here you go,” he said, and there was a look of confusion on the guys face as he stared at the items on the shelf.

“I’m allergic to peanuts,” he stated, like he had no fucking clue why Karkat had led him here. Karkat could feel his face twitch, wanting very desperately to twist out of the service person neutral he tried to keep it in while working. He’d had to deal with some dumb people at this job so far, but this might be starting to take the cake on idiocrasy.

“Was there a reason you asked me where the peanut butter was, then?” Karkat asked back, trying to keep his voice level and not too heavy in the sarcasm.

“Oh! Heh, did I say _peanut_ butter? I just meant regular butter. Um, yeah,” he said, and holy fuck Karkat wanted to slap himself so fucking badly right now.

“Yes, you did. Regular butter’s this way,” Karkat told him, starting to lead him towards the dairy junk.

“Sorry about that,” the guy said, actually sounding genuinely sorry.

“It’s fine,” Karkat insisted, because fuck, he didn’t know this guy. Maybe he really was just some complete awkward screw up and didn’t mean any real harm.

“My name’s John, by the way,” he said, and once again Karkat just nodded. Even if he felt sort of bad for the dude on account of his total incompetence, that didn’t mean he wanted to actually talk to him.

“Real butter,” Karkat told him, motioning towards the shelves of butter behind him. John laughed and grabbed one without looking at it.

“Thanks! And um, sorry again for that,” John said.

“It’s alright. Have a good day,” Karkat told him, still trying to keep his customer service face up.

“You too! I’ll see you around,” he said, that second part catching Karkat off guard. He did not expect (or want) to see this guy around again, but he couldn’t rightfully say that without someone possibly overhearing and getting him reprimanded. So instead he just nodded and started back over to keep restocking the cereal.

It turns out that he did end up seeing John around again, nearly every god damn day he had work. The guy would come in, hover around Karkat and attempt to make awkward conversation and ask him where inane little things were as an excuse. He’d been pretty sure he was being hit on (and wasn’t too sure how to feel about that) until at one point John mentioned his girlfriend. Which was a surprise, to say the least.

Eventually it was sort of ingrained in him what a part of his routine included having to deal with John for at least an hour at work. And once he stopped dreading it and it started to become one of the things he might have actually looked forward to was when he figured he should get him to stop. That was the line where it went from getting in trouble for being rude to a customer over to getting in trouble for hanging out with a friend at work all day.

“Hi Karkat!” John said as he came up to him. He didn’t have a basket or anything with him today, so it looked like one of those days were the excuses were really fucking flimsy at best.

“You do realize I’m working, right? Like, this is my job. When I’m wearing this apron, I am on the clock. A slave to this shitty chain grocery store,” Karkat said. John looked confused, nodding slowly.

“Yeah? What about it?” he asked.

“I can’t be hanging out with people while I’m trying to do my job. I could get in fucking trouble,” Karkat elaborated, and thankfully it seemed to click in John’s head at that.

“Oh! Oh, sorry Karkat, I didn’t mean to distract you,” he said. “I’ll be real quick today, I just wanted to ask you something.”

“You know there are signs in here that tell you where items are? They hang up at the end of each isle, real fucking useful,” Karkat had stopped using his customer voice with John a while ago.

“I know that! It’s not about food or anything. It’s just, okay, this is a little bit complicated,” John said. Jesus, complicated is really not anything Karkat wanted to deal with.

“Just tell me already,” he said.

“Alright, so I have this friend, and I was wondering if I could get a way to contact you online or something for him, because he’s too shy to actually say hi to you in person,” John told him. Karkat frowned at that, because he had no fucking idea what in the world was going on.

“Why would your friend want to say hi to me in the first place?” he asked.

“He might _kind of_ have a crush on you,” John said. Okay, this was getting too unbelievable. John was always talking about how much he loved pulling pranks, and Karkat was pretty sure that was what was going on now. Well, that or-

“I thought you said you had a girlfriend,” he said, because he’d gotten pretty comfortable with maybe John actually becoming a friend or something after finding that out. It wasn’t that he thought he was repulsive or anything. He was pretty nice, and Karkat could tolerate him, which was way fucking more than he could say for most people, and he wasn’t bad to look at either, in a sort of dorky charm way.

Relationships had always been a difficult thing for Karkat to broach though, for multiple reasons.

“That’s because I do? What’s that got to do with anything?” John asked, and he was either really good at playing dumb or he actually didn’t know what Karkat was implying here. Karkat sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair.

“Oh, you know, ‘hey, my friend whom I can’t mention any real details about has a crush on you’ totally isn’t suspicious at all,” he said. It seemed to take a moment for it to click in John’s head, but when it did he nearly burst out laughing.

“No, no, no, oh gosh Karkat I _swear_ it’s not like that. Don’t get me wrong or anything, you’re a great guy, but I promise there really is a friend,” John insisted. Karkat huffed, searching around in his apron pockets until he found a small slip of paper and a pen, writing out his handle for John.

“I don’t believe this isn’t some sort of prank for a second, but here,” he said, handing him he paper. John flashed him a wide smile as he took it.

“Thanks Karkat! I promise it’s not a prank. I really think you’ll like him,” John said.

“Just go before I get in trouble,” Karkat told him. John nodded, shoving the piece of paper in his pocket before leaving.

When he got home from work that day, he did end up getting a message online. He still wasn’t too on board with the idea that there wasn’t some trick going on here, but he did end up believing the guy when he said he wasn’t John. He knew that the picture he sent could have been of any random dude he found on the internet, but he didn’t really talk like John either.

Karkat didn’t _think_ he’d ever seen him before, but there was something oddly familiar about him, so maybe he had. It was possible that he’d come into the store before and he’d just never noticed him, especially if he was as much of a shut in as he said he was.

The more he talked to Dave, the more Karkat might believe John on the whole crush thing. He kept making these weird comments about how he was sure he was a great person and just downright hitting on him at times. Usually Karkat wouldn’t have dealt with him for more than five minutes before getting irritated and blocking the douche, but something kept him from doing that.

It didn’t actually feel like he was a complete ass. There was something about him that seemed very genuine. He talked like he was interested in all of the boring shit Karkat got up to on a daily basis, and it didn’t sound like he was faking it either.

They’d been talking for about a month now, and John still showed up at the grocery store a lot, but not as much since Karkat told him to cut it out so he won’t get fired. Whenever he asked John if he thought he could actually seed Dave in person however, he just said that he didn’t think Dave was ready for that yet.

CG: DAVE.  
TG: yeah  
TG: whats up man  
CG: NOTHING, REALLY.  
CG: BUT I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING  
TG: shoot  
CG: WE’VE BEEN TALKING FOR A WHILE, SO I GUESS WE’RE FRIENDS NOW?  
TG: do you want to be friends  
TG: i mean id been kind of thinking we were but like if we want to go making this official then fuck yeah were friends  
CG: YEAH THAT’S GREAT AND ALL  
CG: BUT THERE’S JUST ONE THING  
CG: I REALLY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

It was true. In all this time Dave would talk and ask all about Karkat, but whenever he would try to do the same, he’d be vague or short with his answers. He didn’t mind, if Dave didn’t want to talk about himself, he didn’t have to. He’d really fucking like it if he did talk though.

TG: oh  
TG: im not really interesting man  
CG: AND YOU THINK I AM?  
TG: well yeah  
TG: how many times do i have to tell you youre awesome  
CG: NOT AS MANY TIMES AS YOU HAVE, TRUST ME.  
TG: if you want to know shit though you can ask  
TG: strider interview hour starting now lets go  
CG: ONLY IF YOU DON’T MIND.  
TG: its fine dude  
CG: OKAY THEN.  
CG: YOU’RE HUMAN, RIGHT?  
TG: uh yeah  
TG: I sent you a picture, remember?  
CG: OKAY, MAYBE A DUMB WAY TO START OUT.  
CG: DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY? YOU’VE NEVER MENTIONED ONE.  
TG: yeah i got a family  
TG: two sisters and a brother  
CG: OH.  
CG: ARE YOU THE OLDEST, OR YOUNGEST OR…  
TG: currently tied for youngest  
TG: with my twin sister  
CG: YOU’RE A TWIN?  
TG: yep  
CG: WEIRD.  
TG: thank you  
CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, SORRY.  
TG: no its fine  
TG: i still think being raised by giant monsters is weird so were probably even  
CG: YEAH OKAY THAT WORKS  
CG: ARE YOU CLOSE WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? YOU’VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT THEM BEFORE.  
TG: yeah we’re all super close  
TG: in our own weird way  
TG: oh  
TG: i guess you can count john as like a pseudo-sibling  
TG: since hes as close and is dating my older sister  
TG: not my twin the other sister  
TG: itd be fucking freaky if he was dating rose  
CG: WAIT, THAT’S WHO JOHN’S GIRLFRIEND IS?  
TG: yep  
CG: I HADN’T EVEN BEEN SURE IF SHE WAS ACTUALLY REAL  
TG: dont blame you for that  
TG: but no roxy is real  
CG: GOOD TO KNOW, I GUESS.  
TG: so what else you got for me  
TG: im just getting fired up man keep um coming  
CG: UM, I DON’T KNOW  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?  
CG: I KNOW YOU DRAW THOSE COMICS AND THINGS BUT OTHER THAN THAT I GUESS.  
TG: i like photography and shit  
TG: and anthropology  
TG: you know like dead things  
TG: and i guess like  
TG: photos of dead things  
CG: YOU KNOW YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T INTERESTING  
CG: BUT EVERYTHING YOU SAID SO FAR HAS BEEN PRETTY INTERESTING  
CG: EVEN IF THE DEAD THINGS PICTURES DOES MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE A HIPSTER  
TG: id object to being called a hipster but you know thats probably fair  
TG: im telling the truth though  
TG: when you get to the core of it theres really nothing about me thats worthwhile  
CG: AND YOU TELL ME NOT TO BE SO HARD ON MYSELF  
TG: yeah i know pretty hypocritical of me  
TG: what next  
CG: WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU WANT?  
TG: dont really have any plans like that  
TG: maybe ill turn sweet bro and hella jeff into a live action movie series  
CG: PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.  
TG: just try and stop me  
TG: my creative genius will not be held back  
CG: YOUR CREATIVE GENIUS IS RIDICULOUS  
TG: you laugh  
TG: admit it  
CG: NEVER.

A smile had managed to creep its way onto Karkat’s face. It’d been happening more and more lately as he talked to Dave, and he had to admit it was all definitely a nice distraction from the usual misery and self-hate. He really wasn’t sure how he felt about that though.

He didn’t know what he’d gone to get Dave’s attention or why he liked him so much or why he seemed to hate himself despite the fact that he tried to brush it off or why he didn’t want to meet in person.

CG: WHY DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?  
TG: what  
CG: WHY DID YOU HAVE JOHN ASK FOR MY HANDLE?  
TG: i already told you  
TG: you seemed like a cool guy  
CG: WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST COME UP AND TALK TO ME YOURSELF?

There was a longer stretch of silence than Karkat had anticipated. Fuck, maybe he crossed a line there. He hadn’t meant to, but there was just so much about Dave he wanted to know and he’d never felt this comfortable around someone this fast and god he didn’t want to screw this up.

CG: DAVE?  
TG: sorry  
TG: i guess i was just too intimidated by your beauty  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: sorry  
TG: again  
CG: IT’S FINE.  
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.  
TG: thanks  
TG: its not that i dont want to its just  
TG: yeah okay never mind its that  
CG: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
CG: WOULD MEETING UP EVER BE SOMETHING YOU’D BE INTERESTED IN THOUGH?  
TG: would you be?  
CG: YEAH, I GUESS I WOULD BE.  
TG: i would be too  
TG: but probably not for a while  
CG: THAT’S FAIR  
CG: I NEED TO GET TO WORK THOUGH  
TG: have fun being surrounded by food you cant eat  
TG: later  
CG: LOVE YOU

…

…

…

Oh god what the _fuck_ did he just say? _Why_ did he just say that?

CG: WAIT  
CG: FUCK I DIDN’T  
CG: I DON’T  
TG: yeah no  
TG: i didnt think you  
TG: yeah  
CG: SORRY  
TG: dont be  
TG: you said you need to go to work  
CG: RIGHT, FUCK.  
CG: I UH  
CG: BYE  
TG: bye

Karkat spent several minutes with his head down on his desk, wondering how long he could wait wallowing in his self-induced misery without being late enough to work to fire.

God, what the fuck was _wrong_ with him? Why would he _ever_ say something like that? This was honestly a new level of fucking up, even for him. It wasn’t like it was even true. He liked Dave, yes, but he didn’t fucking _love_ him. He wasn’t even sure how much he liked him. It definitely wasn’t that much though.

Eventually he managed to force himself to get up, having to run the entire way to work to avoid being late. He managed it, and for once Karkat was hoping that it would be busy as fuck to get his mind off of what just happened. Of course, because of that the store seemed freakishly slow.

He was really fucking glad that Dave didn’t want to meet up in person for a long while. There was no way he could face him now without dying from embarrassment.

Well, he probably didn’t think he was cool anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it looks like this has expanded from a oneshot to what I thought would be a two shot to I'm not sure how many chapters this will be. Fun. Sorry the chapter took so long, hopefully the next one won't be such a wait. As always though, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t. Fuck, oh fucking _fuck_ this was such a mistake what was he _thinking_ letting John introduce them in the first place he was an idiot such a fucking idiot.

Dave had shut off his computer the second Karkat had left, a pain deep in his chest and he wasn’t sure when he started crying but he couldn’t stop. It had taken him so off guard, he hadn’t known what to do. They’d just been talking, joking around like normal. Karkat wanted to know about him, and Dave thought that maybe he could begin to let some things out. Let a few of his guards down just the slightest bit.

That was a mistake such a huge fucking mistake.

Karkat had to leave and Dave was just happy to have some confirmation that he thought of him as a friend and he wasn’t screwing this up when those words showed up on screen. Those two dumb little words that felt like a bite right out of his heart.

Love you. Love you. _Love you._

It had been so fucking hard not to say it back and then say so much fucking more because he knew once he said one thing the floodgates would open and there would be no stopping him. He couldn’t do that he couldn’t freak Karkat out like that and make him hate him and think he was crazy he couldn’t handle it he _couldn’t._

Dave curled up on his bed, burying himself under his blankets and not even bothering to try to get himself to calm down. All things considered he’d been managing to take all of this extremely well so far and he felt that a full breakdown at the stark fucking reminder of everything he didn’t have was a little warranted.

He just couldn’t do this. He’d tried to fool himself into thinking it would be enough but it wouldn’t. It never fucking would be. Even if they could get to that point again, every second Karkat was getting older and Dave wasn’t. He’d notice eventually. He’d be confused and upset and even if he could accept it, he couldn’t live forever.

He’d die and Dave wouldn’t and he couldn’t watch that he couldn’t go through that he couldn’t get attached again just to have it ripped away in the blink of an eye. Not again _please_ not again.

Dave tried not to focus on how long he spent lying in his bed (4 days 7 hours 32 minutes and 26 seconds). He didn’t want to get up, but even more than that he didn’t want anyone getting suspicious this time around. So, he left his room to grab something to eat, and when he got back he shoved it in his closet before crawling back into bed because he wasn’t hungry. Repeat every few days and make sure that at least one person saw him while he was out or to take enough food that they’d notice, and he was successfully left alone.

It was over two month later (2 months 1 week 3 days 9 hours 43 minutes and 12 seconds) when he heard banging on his door. It wasn’t Dirk, and it still hadn’t been nearly enough time for Dave to want to talk about this to anyone (anyone except for Karkat god he wanted to talk to Karkat so fucking much).

“Dave! Dave please let me in,” John called, sounding rather upset. Dave didn’t say anything, burying his head under his pillow and trying to ignore the continued banging when John didn’t get the answer he wanted.

“I need to talk to you. It’s about Karkat, he’s _really_ worried about you,” John said, and Dave flinched at the name, curling himself up tighter and trying to pretend that John wasn’t just outside his door.

Fuck, he’d been getting better! It still hurt but he could function. He hadn’t holed himself up like this in centuries. He’d been talking to his friends again and starting to act like a proper fucking person.

Then he had to show up. He had to go and cut that wound open again so fucking deep, any of the scab he’d managed to build up over the many, many years obliterated the second Karkat had accepted his request to chat and let himself back into his life in the cruelest way Dave could imagine.

“Dave, I’m coming in,” John said, and Dave could feel the wind rushing through his hair, one of the only parts of his body not wrapped up in blankets as he did something to try to get the door open. It worked, and Dave didn’t feel like turning around to check if it was even still on its hinges. He didn’t rightfully care.

“Dave, please, it’s okay,” John said, speaking as calmly as he could but fuck there was just no way he could understand. The loss hadn’t hit him as hard. The losses never seemed to hit him as hard. 

“I can’t,” Dave managed to mutter out, and he could barely understand himself, so he really fucking doubted John could.

“What?” he asked, and yeah, he expected that.

“I _can’t,”_ Dave repeated, his voice coming out in a raw croak. He wasn’t really sure if he’d been crying or sleeping or fucking both when John had knocked on the door, and god he was so pathetic.

Sometimes he tried to tell himself that he was over reacting. He’d been alive for hundreds of thousands of years now, and Karkat was someone he’d known for a little over three measly little years, at an age that was incomprehensibly young compared to what he was now. He was being fucking ridiculous still trying to hold onto that memory of a small troll who always tried so unsuccessfully to cover up just how much he cared about every little thing with fake anger.

He couldn’t though, and with the way Rose and Vriska and Aradia still acted he knew they couldn’t bring themselves to forget either and maybe it wasn’t healthy but it was how they were and he wasn’t alone in it.

“You can’t what?” John asked, and fuck Dave just wanted him to leave. 

“Can’t do it. Was a fucking mistake, I’m sorry,” he muttered, not able to explain himself any clearer.

“Dave, listen to me. You just need to give it time. He didn’t, I mean, he told me what he said. I can’t even imagine how much that must have hurt, but you can’t just give up,” John tried to reassure him. Dave didn’t bother responding to that. He wasn’t giving up. It wasn’t giving up if it was something that could never succeed in the first place. That was just making the smart decision. 

“He’s really worried about you,” John continued to press, and fuck that wasn’t what Dave needed to think about right now. Karkat being upset and worried about him, probably blaming himself for Dave not answering him and thinking he’d done something wrong and spiraling into that self-hate he was always so quick to engulf himself with.

When he realized that Dave wasn’t going to answer him, John sighed heavily.

“I’ll come back later, just please think about this. I don’t think you should give up on him yet, and I really don’t think he wants you to stop either,” John said before leaving the room. Dave could hear the door click back into place, so he guessed he hadn’t gone and thrown it off the hinges after all. That was a relief, he couldn’t go through the hassle of putting it back up right now.

Once he was gone however, Dave did try to do what he’d said and think about this. He couldn’t see any way that this wouldn’t end horrible. If it ended now or in a year or in fifty years, it would end and the longer Dave let himself get close to him, the harder it would hurt when it did.

That should be the end of it. He knew the right choice, the one that left him in pain, but the least amount of pain. It would be torture staying away from Karkat while he was alive, but if he was smart at all he would do it.

He wasn’t smart though, he was a fucking mess of a several thousand years old child who was upset and desperately wanted the one person he loved more than anything.

It took a few hours (4 hours 42 minutes 17 seconds) but eventually Dave managed to push himself up enough to drag his laptop onto him and open it. He was a mess and he was going to regret this so fucking much but he was so weak he just couldn’t stay away.

He hadn’t expected to see messages from Karkat dating over these past months.

CG: DAVE, ARE YOU THERE?  
CG: YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ON FOR A FEW DAYS, SO I JUST THOUGHT I’D  
CG: I DON’T KNOW, CHECK UP ON YOU I GUESS?  
CG: MESSAGE ME WHEN YOU GET ONLINE. IF YOU WANT TO, I MEAN.  
CG: EVEN IF I’M NOT THERE, SERIOUSLY  
CG: UM, BUT YEAH.  
CG: TALK TO YOU LATER. I GUESS.

CG: HEY.  
CG: IT’S BEEN A COUPLE WEEKS NOW SINCE I LAST HEARD FROM YOU.  
CG: JUST THOUGHT I’D CHECK IN.  
CG: SEE IF YOU WERE AROUND.  
CG: AND UH, WANTED TO TALK MAYBE?  
CG: LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE NOT THOUGH.  
CG: SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU AGAIN.  
CG: LATER.

CG: SORRY AGAIN.  
CG: IT’S BEEN A MONTH.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I KEEP STARTING OFF THESE MESSAGES TELLING YOU HOW LONG IT’S BEEN.  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT’S BEEN.  
CG: YOU CAN SEE THE LAST MESSAGE YOU SENT JUST AS WELL AS I CAN.  
CG: SO, YEAH.  
CG: IF YOU SEE THIS, I’D STILL LIKE TO TALK WITH YOU.  
CG: IT WAS FUN.  
CG: SORRY IF THIS SEEMS CLINGY AND PATHETIC.  
CG: YOU CAN BLOCK ME IF YOU WANT.  
CG: IT’D PROBABLY BE A GOOD IDEA, ACTUALLY.  
CG: BUT YEAH, SORRY.

CG: I SHOULD STOP MESSAGING YOU.  
CG: I JUST  
CG: THEY MOVED ME TO DO JANITOR SHIT AND STOCKING DURING THE NIGHT SHIFT AT WORK.  
CG: SO I HAVEN’T SEEN JOHN.  
CG: I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO ASK IF YOU’RE OKAY.  
CG: IT SAYS YOU HAVEN’T SIGNED IN AT ALL SINCE WE LAST SPOKE.  
CG: SO I’M JUST.  
CG: WORRIED.  
CG: PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU’RE OKAY.

CG: I’LL STOP AFTER THIS LAST MESSAGE.  
CG: GOD, I’M KIND OF HOPING YOU DON’T SEE THESE NOW.  
CG: BECAUSE I MUST SEEM LIKE A TOTAL OBSESSED TOOL.  
CG: I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT  
CG: I HOPE YOU’RE OKAY.  
CG: AND I REALLY FUCKING MISS YOU.

TG: hey  
CG: OH!  
CG: I  
CG: HI.  
TG: hi  
TG: sorry about  
TG: disappearing and shit  
CG: NO, NO IT’S FINE.  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
TG: yeah  
TG: i probably should have warned you  
TG: that happens sometimes  
CG: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME, IT’S ALRIGHT.  
CG: I WAS JUST  
CG: REALLY FUCKING WORRIED  
CG: AND PRETTY FUCKING SURE I SCREWED UP BIG TIME.  
TG: no you didnt do anything  
TG: dont go blaming yourself for this  
TG: and either way im fine  
CG: WAS IT BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID THING I SAID?  
TG: i told you dont blame yourself  
CG: BUT WAS IT?  
CG: I’M SO FUCKING SORRY IF IT WAS.  
CG: I SWEAR I DIDN’T MEAN TO.  
TG: can we please not talk about that  
CG: YEAH, OKAY.  
TG: howve you been  
TG: i saw your messages  
CG: FUCK, YOU DID?  
TG: yeah  
TG: just now though  
TG: woulda responded sooner if id seen them before  
CG: SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THAT  
CG: I SHOULDN’T HAVE SENT THEM  
CG: I MUST SOUND FUCKING INSANE TO YOU  
TG: fuck man  
TG: that is not anywhere close to what i would qualify as insane  
CG: IF YOU SAY SO.  
TG: i do say so  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: what  
CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OKAY?  
TG: yes  
TG: trust me  
TG: this wasnt even close to being the worst of this kind of bullshit ive gone though  
TG: like i said it just happens sometimes  
TG: dumb things set it off and it takes a while for me to reel it back in  
TG: but i always do  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT  
CG: IF YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING.  
TG: dont mind the asking its the telling im not too sure about  
CG: ARE YOU SAFE?  
TG: what  
CG: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HURT YOURSELF, ARE YOU?  
TG: no  
TG: no its not like that  
TG: found out a long time ago that it doesnt do shit when i try  
TG: so trying has no real point

He hadn’t told anyone about that but things always came out easier with Karkat. He was sure most of the others could have guessed that he’d tried shit once or twice, fuck, he imagined Rose had herself at some point, but it wasn’t exactly something he wanted to talk about.

He was immortal fucking god and the best he could do was starve himself so he could feel hungry enough that he could almost pretend he was human again.

CG: OH.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I’M SORRY.  
TG: it was a long time ago  
TG: now it mostly consists of me not leaving my bed for a few months  
TG: they make sure i dont go too long without food though  
TG: its all good  
CG: GOOD.  
CG: OR NOT GOOD, BUT NOT AS BAD AS IT COULD BE.  
CG: YOU’RE FEELING A BIT BETTER NOW THOUGH?  
TG: more or less  
TG: better enough to talk to you  
CG: I GUESS THAT’S TRUE.  
TG: sorry for worrying you  
TG: didnt think youd care all that much

It was true. He and Karkat hadn’t been talking for long, although maybe Dave wasn’t the best to judge was counted as long to a normal person anymore, despite being so fucking aware of time all the time. Even still, he thought Karkat would get tired of waiting after a few weeks and move on with his life. He hadn’t thought he’d get all worried and send him messages after messages and just keep being the sweetest fucking person Dave had ever met.

CG: IT’S ALRIGHT  
CG: A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SO PATHETIC AND NEEDY.  
TG: what no man  
TG: its not pathetic its great  
TG: this is the kind of shit i mean when i say what an amazing person you are  
CG: I GET REALLY FUCKING CLINGY TO THE ONLY PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH TO CONSIDER BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.  
CG: NOT SURE HOW THAT MAKES ME GREAT, BUT OKAY.  
TG: you care  
TG: its not fake caring or just being nice to people to be polite  
TG: you really fucking care about people and its amazing  
CG: IF YOU REALLY THINK I’M LIKE THAT, WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULDN’T CARE ABOUT YOU.  
TG: guess i just figured im not lucky enough to have someone that wonderful in my life  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: fuck  
TG: sorry ill quit with the compliments  
CG: NO IT’S FINE  
CG: I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE AN IDIOT FOR THINKING I WOULDN’T CARE ABOUT YOU.  
TG: oh  
TG: okay then  
CG: I’M GLAD YOU’RE OKAY  
TG: im glad im talking to you again

He was going to regret this he was going to regret it so fucking much.

But fuck if it wasn’t worth it.

Once he finished speaking to Karkat Dave forced himself to leave his room and go tell John that he was talking to him again and he could stop freaking out. He seemed very relieved at that, and Dave wondered if he was thinking about how this would affect him in the long term. Probably not, John was always a kind of in the moment guy. He was just trying to make sure he was happy.

He wasn’t thinking about how god damn miserable he’d be once it was all over.

It was making him so fucking happy right now though. Happy and upset and so fucking scared that at any moment he’d slip up and scare him off. It was nearly impossible for him to keep his affection for Karkat from spilling over through, but he never seemed to mind. Sometimes he’d let him know that the praise was too much for him, and Dave would always pull back without hesitation.

It’d been a few months since Dave started talking to him again (4 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 9 hours and 48 minutes) and Karkat hadn’t made any comments like the one that had shut him down the first time. Which was for the best, he could only deal with so much.

Those comments wouldn’t have been real anyway. Karkat couldn’t remember he wouldn’t ever realize the weight of what he was saying.

CG: HEY DAVE?  
TG: what up man  
CG: CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?  
TG: yeah of course  
CG: DON’T BE MAD AT JOHN  
TG: why would i be mad at john  
TG: what he do  
CG: IT WAS WAY BACK WHEN HE WAS FIRST GETTING MY CONTACT INFORMATION FOR YOU  
CG: IT’S REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL  
TG: okay then what is it  
CG: DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME?  
TG: thats a question dude  
CG: I KNOW  
CG: JOHN HAD SAID BACK THEN THAT YOU DID  
TG: you really gotta ask  
TG: never thought i was being all that stealthy

He thought about hiding it but he never really could. He just cared about him too much and it was all he could do to not tell him everything. Letting a little crush be known was a small thing in the grand scheme of all he was hiding.

CG: NO, YOU WEREN’T.  
CG: WHY?  
TG: why wasnt i being stealthy  
TG: im just really not good at it  
CG: NO, ALTHOUGH THAT IS TRUE, YOU’RE REALLY NOT.  
CG: WHY DO YOU LIKE ME  
TG: bro  
CG: DON’T YOU BRO ME  
CG: I MEAN BACK THEN, WHEN YOU’D NEVER EVEN TALKED TO ME BEFORE  
CG: ALTHOUGH I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THE REASONING HAVING TALKED TO ME EITHER.  
CG: BUT I HIGHLY DOUBT I WAS JUST THAT IRRESISTIBLE STOCKING FUCKING KETCHUP  
TG: what if i said that was exactly the case  
CG: I’D CALL YOU A FILTHY LIAR  
CG: BECAUSE LOOKS HAVE NEVER BEEN A FOCUS FOR YOU IN ALL THE COMPLIMENTS  
TG: i do like your looks though  
TG: your looks are great  
TG: just thought id throw that out there  
TG: because you know i just need to make shit even more awkward if theres an opportunity  
CG: YES YOU DO  
CG: BUT THAT DOESN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION.  
TG: i dont know if i can answer your question  
TG: why do you even want to know

Dave had expected Karkat’s response to be just as quick as the rest of them, but as the seconds ticked on (so many seconds they blended into minutes and he was so fucking aware of each and every one as one less he had with Karkat and he wished he could stop being aware of the time for just a moment) he started to get worried that he fucked up.

TG: karkat  
CG: BECAUSE I MIGHT LIKE YOU  
TG: what

Oh no oh fuck this was bad. This was so fucking bad his hands were already starting to shake and yet he couldn’t keep himself from wishing and hoping that it was true.

CG: I WANTED TO KNOW WHY YOU LIKED ME BECAUSE I THINK I LIKE YOU.  
TG: oh  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IS THIS OKAY?  
TG: no

Fuck this wasn’t okay. This was so not okay and he wanted this so bad. He wanted to meet up with Karkat and just fucking hug him and kiss him and hold him and never fucking let him go but it would be too much for Karkat and never enough for Dave.

CG: WHAT?  
CG: I UH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A CRUSH ON ME THOUGH.  
TG: i do  
CG: THEN WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?  
TG: youre not supposed to like me back

God this wasn’t supposed to happen it was everything he wanted and couldn’t fucking have being dangled in front of his face like a taunt. He was starting to cry and god he wished he could get a fucking hold of himself but that wasn’t happening any time soon.

CG: AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?  
CG: EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU FEELS RIGHT AND I’VE NEVER HAD THAT WITH ANYONE BEFORE.  
CG: I WANT TO ACTUALLY MEET YOU AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOU’RE STILL NOT FEELING UP TO THAT YET BUT THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IF WE BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER THEN THERE SHOULD BE NO ISSUE.  
TG: i know okay  
TG: i know there shouldnt be but there is  
TG: im sorry  
CG: CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHY?  
TG: no  
CG: IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO JUDGE YOU FOR SOME REASON I’M NOT.  
CG: I’M LITERALLY THE LAST FUCKING PERSON TO EVER DO THAT TO SOMEONE.  
TG: i dont think youd do that  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO PUSH YOU.  
TG: then let it go  
CG: BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!  
TG: i know  
CG: THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU WORM YOUR WAY INTO MY LIFE AND BE SO FUCKING WONDERFUL AND PITIFUL AND CONSTANTLY VALIDATING MY FUCKED UP SELF TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN’T FUCKING HELP BUT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ONLY TO TELL ME THAT I’M ‘NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE YOU BACK’  
TG: im sorry  
TG: im so fucking sorry karkat  
TG: fuck  
TG: i  
TG: i cant  
CG: WHY CAN’T YOU?  
TG: bye  
CG: WAIT DAVE FUCK DON’T GO!  
CG: I’M SORRY!  
CG: PLEASE!

If Karkat sent anymore messages after that, Dave didn’t see them. He slammed his laptop shut, tossing it across the room and hearing it smash when it hit the floor. It wasn’t a big deal, he was a fucking god he could get a new one in a heartbeat.

Collapsing onto his bed, he curled up into a tight ball. He should have ended this before. He never should have let it start. He should have fucking known something like this would happen and stayed the fuck away but now he screwed up and Karkat was upset and all he wanted to do was hold him and tell him it was okay but he couldn’t.

He just couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has turned into an elaborate excuse to write angsty davekat peseterlogs, you've all found me out! I should be working on don't forget the sun but this was mostly done anyway so thought I'd put it up. As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

He fucked up. Oh god he fucked up so fucking bad.

He just. He thought it would be okay. He thought they could make something here. Dave had actually liked him back, Karkat had always suspected but he even admitted it. He didn’t know what went wrong everything had been _perfect,_ he thought he might have actually had a chance to be fucking _happy_ for once.

He was so fucking wrong.

Dave had completely freaked out and just left him and Karkat didn’t know what to do. It’d been over an hour and he hadn’t come back and he was so fucking worried and god why did he have to tell him? This was such a huge mistake what was he _thinking?!_

He was thinking that they could get closer and that someday soon they could meet in person, but that didn't matter anymore. He might never even here from Dave again because of this. 

He didn’t know what he was supposed to do but the only person who he knew that could get in touch with Dave was John. He’d made sure to get his contact the first time he saw him after Dave’s last episode. It didn’t say he was online right now but fuck if that was going to stop him from trying.

CG: JOHN.  
CG: FUCK I FUCKED UP PLEASE FUCKING ANSWER ME.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO I DIDN’T MEAN TO UPSET HIM.  
ectoBiologist is back  
EB: whoa man what’s wrong?  
CG: I TOLD DAVE I LIKE HIM  
EB: you did?  
EB: wait, you do?  
CG: YES AND YES.  
CG: HE FREAKED THE FUCK OUT AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
EB: wait why would he do that?  
EB: he’s in love with you!  
EB: shit i mean  
EB: i probably shouldn’t have said that.  
CG: HE TOLD ME HE LIKES ME BACK, THAT WASN’T THE PROBLEM.  
EB: oh?  
EB: well then what was?  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!  
CG: HE SAID I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM BACK FOR SOME REASON.  
EB: oh jeeze.  
EB: this is bad.  
CG: I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT HIM.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.  
EB: nothing karkat, it’s not your fault.  
EB: this is just  
EB: dave has been through a lot  
EB: and this kind of stuff is really, really hard for him.  
CG: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?  
EB: i’ll talk to him again.  
EB: but you should just give him some space  
EB: and it might take a while, like last time.  
CG: OH JESUS FUCK.  
CG: IF YOU THINK I CAN JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT WHILE I KNOW HE’S IN A DEEP FUCKING DEPRESSION OR SOME SHIT YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING.  
EB: i know it’s not fun  
EB: and i know you want to help him, but this is more than you can deal with  
CG: I DON’T CARE IF I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT.  
CG: I CAUSED IT!  
CG: I NEED TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING!  
EB: you can give him time  
CG: BUT  
CG: FUCK.  
EB: i promise i’ll let you know if anything is seriously wrong  
CG: AND THEN WHAT?  
EB: we’ll figure out what to do.  
CG: ISN’T LOCKING HIMSELF UP FOR MONTHS ON END KIND OF A SIGN THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG?  
CG: LIKE FUCK HE’S SAID THAT IT’S HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE AND THAT THIS LAST TIME WASN’T EVEN THE WORST OF IT.  
CG: I JUST  
CG: AREN’T YOU TERRIFIED YOU MIGHT LOSE HIM?  
EB: no  
CG: HOW THE FUCK!?  
EB: its complicated  
EB: but he’ll be fine.  
CG: NO FUCK THAT  
CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE SO GOD DAMN CERTAIN?  
CG: I’VE BEEN SCARED OUT OF MY SKULL THAT HE MIGHT DO SOMETHING AND I’VE KNOWN HIM FOR LESS THAN A YEAR!  
EB: and i’ve known him for longer than you can imagine  
EB: and i know he’s going to be okay.  
CG: I REALLY FUCKING HOPE YOU’RE RIGHT THEN.  
EB: i’m gonna go talk to him.  
EB: i’ll fill you in once i’m done  
CG: THANK YOU  
EB: later karkat!

Karkat let his head drop onto his desk once John left. Fuck, he didn’t know how to could be so confident. The idea that Dave could try, that he _had_ tried and he’d said that no one else knew about that but seriously? How could they not still be scared that something would happen?

The next few hours were hell and he didn’t know what was taking John so long to come back. Fuck what if something had been seriously wrong with him and it was all Karkat’s fault? He had no god damn idea what he would do if something happened to Dave. There was no way he could ever keep from blaming himself. 

Eventually he did come back and Karkat was so fucking scared about what the answer might be but he was way more scared not knowing.

CG: HOW IS HE?  
EB: well, he’s upset.  
CG: OH SHIT, REALLY?  
CG: I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE  
EB: like i said though, he’ll just need some time.  
CG: DID HE TELL YOU WHY?  
EB: why what?  
CG: WHY APPARENTLY I CAN’T FUCKING LIKE HIM BACK WITHOUT HIM COMPLETELY LOSING IT.  
EB: oh  
EB: no, he didn’t say that.  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?  
CG: I JUST  
CG: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.  
EB: karkat, you didn’t do anything wrong.  
EB: dave’s well…  
EB: he’s been really hurt.  
EB: but i can’t tell you anything else, sorry.  
EB: it’s not my place, you know?  
CG: NO, I UNDERSTAND.  
CG: JUST PLEASE LET HIM KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, IT’S OKAY.  
CG: AND I WANT TO HELP HIM.  
EB: i know you do.  
EB: and i will, don’t worry.  
CG: THANK YOU.

A week passed and there was still no contact from Dave. Whenever he asked John for updates it was just more vague shit about needing time and he was okay, Karkat didn’t need to worry, he wasn’t dead, he’d come around.

It was fucking infuriating and he’d come very god damn close to completely going off on John on more than one occasion. He knew he was just trying to help though. It did seem like he wanted to tell Karkat what was going on, but he couldn’t without upsetting Dave further. That was the last fucking thing he wanted though, so he guessed he had to deal with the frustratingly vague updates for now.

He just, fuck, he needed answers. He needed to know what was wrong and he didn’t know why he was so fucking fixated on this. Yes, he liked Dave, they got along great, he was funny and annoying at times and so obviously hurt over something. Sometimes that made his feelings dip into something more pale than he should be comfortable with (like right now for instance) but he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much. He'd always been terrible at quadrants there was no reason for this time to be any different. 

It didn't matter what his feelings were exactly though, but they were there. Karkat yet to meet him in real life sure but fuck it felt like he had. It felt like he’d known Dave for years and the familiarity and unexpected feelings had all come so fast and it was almost terrifying.

He wished he knew where Dave lived. He wished he knew someone else besides John that he could talk about him with. He didn’t fucking know anyone though and Dave said he was a shut in so he probably didn’t have many friends to begin with. He’d mentioned his siblings and Karkat knew some of their names and had seen a couple pictures but had no fucking way to track them down.

He was heading back from work and flipping his phone in his hand over and over again just trying to decide if it was worth it to try to message him. He’d done it last time because he’d been worried but he didn’t want Dave to think he was a stubborn creep who couldn’t take no for an answer. If Dave didn’t like him back, that was fucking fine.

The problem was the he _did_ like him and that was so fucking mind boggling and then he still had to go and reject him and that just made it hurt so fucking much more than if he didn’t like him at all.

When he got home he flopped down into his chair, hoping beyond hope that maybe he had a message from Dave waiting for him. He didn’t and he didn’t know why he thought there might be a chance that there would be. He did have a message though, and it wasn’t from John either.

GC: K4RK4T?  
GC: YOU TH3R3?  
CG: I AM NOW.  
GC: OH GOOD  
GC: 1 N33D TO T4LK TO SOM3ON3  
CG: IS EVERYTHING OKAY?  
CG: I SWEAR I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANYMORE PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW  
GC: NO, NO 1T’S NOT 4 PROBL3M  
GC: 1 TH1NK  
GC: WHY? 1S SOM3TH1NG WRONG FOR YOU?  
CG: YES, BUT YOU FIRST.  
GC: F1N3  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 H4V3 4 ST4LK3R  
CG: HOW THE *FUCK* IS THAT NOT A PROBLEM?  
GC: 1 DON’T KNOW  
GC: SH3’S K1ND OF COOL?  
GC: PR3TTY SUR3 SH3’S 4LSO 1NS4N3 THOUGH  
CG: YOU NEED TO CALL THE FUCKING POLICE.  
GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK TH4T W1LL DO MUCH >:/  
CG: HOLY SHIT.  
CG: HOW THE HELL DO YOU POSSIBLY EVEN CONSIDER NOT COUNTING THIS AS A HUGE PROBLEM?  
GC: B3C4US3 SH3’S COOL!  
GC: MOSTLY  
GC: TH3R3’S JUST SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT H3R, 1 C4N’T PL4C3 1T.  
CG: IF YOU END UP DEAD IN THE BACK OF A PICKUP TRUCK I WON’T EVEN CRY.  
CG: YOU DESERVE IT AT THIS POINT.  
GC: YOU KNOW YOU’D CRY!  
GC: 4NYW4Y, WH4T’S UP W1TH YOU?  
CG: UM, IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE TALKED.  
CG: HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT DAVE?  
GC: 1 TH1NK SO   
GC: TH3 PERSON YOU’V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO ONL1N3 R1GHT?  
CG: YEAH THAT’S HIM.  
CG: WE’D BEEN TALKING A LOT  
CG: BUT I SAID SOMETHING STUPID AND NOW HE WON’T ANSWER ME AND I’M REALLY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HIM.  
CG: HE DOESN’T SEEM VERY, UM, STABLE.  
GC: 4R3 YOU P4L3 FOR H1M?  
CG: NO!  
CG: ER.  
CG: I DON’T THINK PALE IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT QUADRANT.  
GC: 1S TH4T SO?  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE IT FUCKING MATTERS BECAUSE HE WON’T SPEAK TO ME.  
CG: HIS FRIEND JUST GIVES ME THESE VAGUE AS FUCK UPDATES AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!  
CG: I’M REALLY, REALLY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HIM.  
GC: 3R4 YOU SUR3 P4L3 1SN’T TH3 R1GHT QU4DR4NT?  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.  
CG: IT’D BE EASY AS FUCK TO FLIP THAT WAY WITH HIM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  
CG: HE’S SO FUCKING PITIFUL IT HURTS.  
GC: W3LL WH4T3V3R 1T 1S 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOU H4V3 1T B4D  
CG: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IT?  
GC: ?  
CG: HE NEVER EVEN REJECTED ME.  
CG: HE SAID HE LIKES ME BACK!  
CG: BUT THEN HE FREAKED AND SAID I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM BACK AND SHIT LIKE THAT.  
GC: WOW  
GC: K4RK4T 1 TH1NK YOU M1GHT H4V3 FOUND TH3 ON3 P3RSON W1TH 3V3N MOR3 PROBL3MS TH4N YOU  
CG: HA HA!  
CG: FUCKING HILARIOUS.  
GC: 1 KNOW  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT YOUR FRIENDLY STALKER SITUATION?  
GC: 1 DON’T KNOW  
GC: SH3 S33MS R34LLY…  
GC: FR4G1L3, I GU3SS?  
GC: WH1CH 1S W31RD B3C4US3 TH4T DO3S NOT S33M L1K3 4 GOOD W4Y TO D3CR1B3 H3R 4T 4LL  
GC: BUT 1TS TRU3  
CG: JUST BE CAREFUL I GUESS.  
GC: 1 DON’T TH1NK SH3’LL HURT M3  
GC: BUT 1 W1LL B3  
GC: GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR WHOL3 D4V3 PROBL3M  
CG: THANKS

Karkat let his head fall onto his desk once Terezi had to leave. He was worried about her weird fucking stalker thing, no matter how much she tried to assure him it wasn’t that big of a deal. Even that though wasn’t completely distracting him from his worry for Dave. He didn’t know what to do! John kept saying to give him time, but that was so fucking hard to do when he had no way to be sure he would be okay in the end.

What if he kept waiting and John was wrong? What if he wasn’t going to be okay? He couldn’t stand it if that conversation was the last time they ever spoke. The thought was absolutely terrifying.

CG: JOHN PLEASE.  
CG: JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TODAY, I CAN’T STAND THIS.  
ectoBiologist is back  
EB: karkat i’m sorry.  
EB: you’re just going to have to wait a little bit longer.  
CG: HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?  
EB: dave’s not in any danger  
EB: we have a watch over him, he can’t try anything.  
CG: YOU CAN’T WATCH HIM 24/7  
EB: there’s a lot of us  
CG: WHAT? THERE ARE?  
EB: yeah.  
EB: me, his three siblings, my sister, jake and jane, plus aradia too.  
EB: vriska’s not here right now but if she comes back sometime there’s her too  
EB: we have him covered.  
CG: OH.  
CG: I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.  
CG: I GUESS THAT’S A LITTLE REASSURING.  
EB: it’s going to be okay karkat.  
EB: i know you’re just worried about him but just leave this to us.  
EB: he’ll get through this.  
CG: AND YOU’RE SURE YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHY?  
EB: i wish i could  
EB: i think it’d be a good thing if you knew, but dave’s worried you might not see it that way.  
CG: I WON’T.  
EB: i know, but it’s up to him.  
CG: PLEASE KEEP ME UPDATED.  
EB: will do!

Ugh, this was hopeless. The only person he wanted to talk to was Dave and even though it felt good knowing he had so many people watching after him he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong. He considered sending Dave a message but ultimately decided against it. Dave didn’t see them until he decided to message him again last time anyway.

Another week passed and Karkat tried to distract himself with work. He talked to Terezi some more. Karkat still couldn’t pinpoint exactly how Terezi felt about her weird fucking stalker, and he was pretty sure that was due in part to the fact that Terezi herself wasn’t sure how she felt.

It was almost enough to keep himself occupied with, but not quite. Especially when he was supposed to be sleeping, he couldn’t keep himself from staying up and just worrying. He was pretty sure somewhere along the line he had definitely flipped to pale for him, and he didn’t even care. Normally he fucking hated when his feelings would flip quadrants on someone (which happened more often than he would like to admit) but there was just too much else going on for him to give a shit.

There was also the fact that it felt as right being pale for him as it did being flush, but he didn't want to think about that. 

He was walking around town to try to maybe wear himself out some. He felt exhausted, but that didn’t seem to matter much when it came to sleep. He hadn’t gotten any updates from John over these past few days, which wasn’t helping any. Karkat was pretty sure he was starting to annoy him with how often he checked in, so he decided not to message him first.

Only now he was left without information and without sleep and with absolutely no idea how he’d gotten to this point. He didn’t know why Dave meant so fucking _much_ to him. There had to be something fucking wrong with him for him to get to emotionally invested in someone so fast.

Karkat shoved his phone back into his pocket after checking it for messages for what was about the millionth time. When he looked back up to make sure he didn’t run into anyone he caught sight of someone across the street that caused him to freeze. He didn’t even stop to think about how he knew who she was. Dave had shown him a few photos of his family back when they were still talking, and he was absolutely certain this was one of them.

Just barely remembering to check so that he wouldn’t be hit by a car head on, Karkat ran across the street to try to catch her before he lost sight.

“Rose, fuck wait!” he called. She spun around when he called out her name, and she looked confused as fuck and surprised when she saw him and shit he doubted she had any fucking idea who he was. Karkat wondered if Dave had mentioned him to any of his family at all. For some reason he’d just imagined that they would know who he is.

“I- sorry. Are you Dave’s sister?” he asked, because there was also the very real possibility that he just had the wrong person. From how they turned at the name though he kind of doubted it. Her expression softened some at his question, much of the surprise leaving as she nodded.

“Yes, and you must be Karkat. He’s told me a lot about you,” she said. Oh, well he guessed that answered that question. Karkat nodded, unsure about where to go from here.

“Is he okay?” that seemed like a good place to start. “I’m really fucking worried about him, John’s told me jack shit I just need to know if he’s okay,” he cut himself off there before he started rambling and figured he should give her time to answer him.

“He’s managing,” she said, her voice not the more reassuring thing in the world. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, I don’t think you want that,” she said, and Karkat nodded. He knew John was trying to help but he needed to know what was really going on. “He’s hurting a lot. He’ll survive but it’s not pretty.”

“No one will tell me what I did wrong,” he said and fuck he didn’t want to cry. He just wanted to help and knowing he must have done _something_ to hurt Dave like this felt like a knife in his chest. Rose sighed softly and put a hand on his shoulder.

“As much as it must seem that way, this isn’t your fault,” she said, and Karkat just started shaking his head. There was no fucking way that was true he knew that somehow this had to do with him.

“Don’t lie to me,” he managed to get out, focusing as hard as he could on not crying.

“Dave doesn’t want you to be upset over this,” was her only response, which confirmed without a doubt that this was all him. Whatever he’d done had left Dave locked in a room not talking to anyone and requiring like eight people watching him around the clock to make sure he didn’t fucking off himself.

All because he said he liked him. All because for some fucking reason Dave thought Karkat wasn’t supposed to like him back.

“Too late for that. I’m pretty obviously upset over it,” he choked out.

“You know how he feels about you, don’t you?” Rose asked, and all he could do was nod at that. Talking was starting to get too hard. Of course he knew how Dave felt about him, that was one of the reasons this was so fucking terrible. If there was never any chance it might not have hit so fucking hard, but that wasn’t the case.

“He’ll come around, I really do believe that,” she said before letting go of his shoulder. “It might take him a while, but he will,” Karkat nodded, bringing his hand up to wipe away the few tears that had leaked out.

“Can you promise me you’ll still be willing to give him a chance when that time comes?” Rose asked, surprising him.

“Of course,” he said without a second though. He didn’t know why and he knew that he should question it more than he was, but the idea of giving up on Dave felt like blasphemy. Rose smiled softly at that, and Karkat was pretty sure that she could tell that he meant it.

“Thank you. I’ll tell Dave that I ran into you, I’ll see if I can convince him to get in contact with you again,” she said, and Karkat nodded. He figured he couldn’t ask for much more than that.

“Can you tell him I’m sorry?” he found himself asking anyway. Rose opened her mouth, looking like she was about to argue with him but Karkat shook his head and cut him off. “I don’t care if everyone says I have nothing to be sorry for, I _am sorry_ for upsetting him. I fucking hate that he’s like this because of me and I need him to know that,” he pleaded.

“Of course,” Rose said after a moment. Karkat couldn’t help but sign in relief. “I should get going now, but it was very nice getting to meet you again. I’ll let you know when I’ve spoken to him in case he doesn’t message you right away,” she added on, extending her hand towards him. Karkat grabbed it and shook it lightly.

“Yeah, nice to meet you too, and uh, thanks, I guess,” he muttered. Rose smiled at him once again and nodded. With that she pulled her hand back and started off down the street. It took Karkat a moment to remember what he was doing before realizing that he hadn’t been up to anything when it came right down to it.

He started back home, figuring he wanted to be there in case maybe Rose did come through. If she could get Dave to talk to him again he’d own her the fucking world.

Right now though he guessed he’d just have to wait and see.

He was so fucking tired of waiting, but he’d do it for Dave.

He was pretty sure he’d wait forever for him, and he didn’t know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days later than when I had planned on updating, but I've started to get a slightly better sleeping schedule which actually takes away a lot of my writing time. I'll have you all know that this story has developed into 100% self-indulgent angst and sadness, absolute maximum hurt/comfort up in here. The comfort will come though, I promise. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

Dave didn’t know what to do.

The answer was nothing. There was nothing he could do and there was nothing he was going to do no matter how many times John came into his room and asked him, begged him, fucking pleaded with him to give this a chance. Give Karkat a chance. It couldn’t be that bad after all. Wouldn’t it be _nice_ to be able to see him again? Even if it’s just for a little while, he makes you so happy why would you keep yourself from all of that? Karkat misses you.

Dave knew he was trying to help but he was just making it so fucking much worse. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what he was missing out on blocking Karkat from his life like this. He knew exactly what he was losing, and it hurt so fucking much he didn’t want to be alone anymore he absolutely _hated_ this.

There wasn’t anything he could _do_ though. If they got close he wouldn’t be able to hold it in. He was always shit at keeping secrets, and Karkat could always see through him whenever he tried. It was only a matter of time before he told him everything, and maybe it’d be fine. Maybe Karkat wouldn't think he was crazy and could handle everything they threw at him. It wasn’t like they couldn’t back up their claims after all. They could convince him they were telling the truth.

But then what? Karkat wouldn’t remember. He wouldn’t know what they’d been through, and no amount of explaining it to him would help. All he’d be doing is telling him how fucking much he loved him, how badly he’d fallen apart when he was gone, how fucking long he’d waited and how he could never get over him no matter how many thousands of years had passed.

All he’d be doing is _trapping_ him. It wouldn’t matter if Karkat couldn’t handle all of that being thrown at him at once, if he fell out of love or just realized that his feelings weren’t as strong as he thought they had been. Dave knew how he was like, and if Karkat found out everything he’d been through then he would never be able to bring himself to put an end to them, no matter how much he wanted to.

And Dave couldn’t do that to him. He wanted to so bad, even if the idea of him eventually dying was terrifying and all too real, he’d do anything to just have him for a little bit. He didn’t want to hurt him though, at least not any more than he already had.

So he ignored everything John said, answering with one word if he answered at all, which was rarely. It was so fucking hard knowing that Karkat was upset, but Dave kept repeating over and over to himself that this was for the best. He was helping him in the long run. Karkat would get over him and move on to have some happy and full life with someone else and never think twice about that one dude he knew online for like a year (10 months, 1 week, 3 days, 7 hours and 29 seconds).

Sure, Dave had never been able to just move on, but that wasn’t the point. Karkat wasn’t as fucked up as the rest of them anymore, he didn’t have to be. Like fuck was Dave going to ruin his chance for a normal life for such selfish reasons. He couldn’t force him back into all of this trauma when he was finally free of it.

Dave knew that everyone was worried about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Sure, he didn’t want them to be upset or anything, of course. But they all knew at the end of the day that it would be fine. Sure, maybe Dave wouldn’t leave his room until Karkat died, maybe not until years after that. It didn’t fucking matter, because no matter what he did he’d still be right here. He’d get back to functional eventually. It was only a matter of time.

There was only so much someone could worry when the cause of concern was fucking immortal.

Dave was pretty sure John was only still trying to convince him at this point because Karkat was asking him to. The knowledge that Karkat wanted to talk to him stung, but Dave could push it down. As difficult as it was he could try not to think about it and just keep himself in his bed, curled up facing the wall and focusing on the hunger because he hadn’t eaten since he stopped talking to Karkat and it was distracting enough to help just the slightest bit.

When his door opened and someone walked into his room without knocking he wasn’t surprised. He couldn’t bother to get up and lock it whenever John left. He expected to hear John go into another one of his pleads for him to just _think_ about this, but instead he felt someone sit down lightly on the edge of his bed.

“I ran into Karkat out on the street today,” Rose said. Dave felt himself freeze up, forcing himself to relax again after a moment. He didn’t turn to look at her or say anything, not making any indication that he was even awake right now, although he knew that she could tell. Instead he just stayed quiet and waited for her to get to the point.

“It was nice seeing him again, it’d been so long I’d nearly forgotten what he looked like,” she said. Dave would have been surprised by that, with the way the image of Karkat was permanently burned into his mind. He could barely remember what Kanaya looked like though.

Bright white skin, short black hair, one of her horns had a hook, but he couldn’t remember which. She might have been taller than Rose, but he couldn’t say for sure. A nice face, but what was nice about it eluded him. He imagined Rose’s description of Karkat would have been just as vague. 

“He wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry,” she said after another moment. That caught Dave by surprise, more so than anything else had thus far.

“Why?” he found himself asking without thinking, his voice scratchy and broken from the lack of use and all the crying he'd done.

What in the world did he have to be sorry for? It was Dave who was being irrational and blocking him from his life and upsetting everyone. All Karkat had done was be himself and there was absolutely nothing to apologize with that. He was amazing there wasn’t a thing Dave would ever change about him.

“For upsetting you. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he’s worried about you and he blames himself for all of this,” Rose explained and Dave just curled even more in on himself because that was like a stab in the chest. Everything he’d worried about, everything he knew Karkat would do, but he tried to pretend that maybe it would be different.

But no, Karkat was upset and was putting it all on himself and was probably worrying himself half to death over Dave. Dave didn’t fucking deserve that. He didn’t deserve someone like him and Karkat sure as fuck didn’t deserve to be stuck with someone so fucked up.

“He was crying Dave. He’s worried sick that something is going to happen to you and that it’ll be his fault.” Of course he was crying, Karkat would cry over every little thing. Of _course_ he would blame himself if something happened. Of _fucking course_ it didn’t matter what Dave did, he couldn’t do anything but hurt him since the second he came into his life.

He never should have messaged him in the first place. He should have stayed away from the beginning, but no he was selfish fucking trash and he was going to keep it up, wasn’t he? He kept letting himself get pulled back and one of these times it’d be too much too far and he’d either lose Karkat completely or hurt him beyond repair.

“’m sorry,” he muttered out, not sure what he was even apologizing for at this point. For hurting Karkat already or for how much he’d hurt him in the future or what. It wasn’t like it mattered, he was sorry for all of it.

“It’s okay,” Rose said, but that wasn’t true. Even still, Dave forced himself to give the slightest little nod. He didn’t know why he pretended like he could stay away. He was so fucked up, everything was so fucked up it was hopeless. Still, if he could just keep trying to restrain himself, pull back as much as possible, maybe it would delay the inevitable just a little bit. Maybe he could have some time with Karkat that was actually happy. A few months, a couple years even if he tried hard enough. Just a bit of time to hold onto before everything decides to go to hell.

Rose put a hand on his shoulder, staying for another moment before standing up and leaving the room without another word. Dave was sure that she could tell he’d given in, she didn’t need to say anything else.

Even still, it took a few more days (3 days, 8 hours, 19 minutes and 21 seconds) before he could force himself to sit up. There was a brand new laptop sitting on the nightstand next to his bed, and Dave didn’t question it. Maybe Rose had brought it in or maybe John had a long time ago and he’d never looked around enough to notice, both were likely options.

He reached over, arms feeling heavy and lethargic as he pulled it into his lap. There wasn’t any set up required when he opened it, the entire thing an exact replica of the laptop he smashed before.

When Dave opened up the chat client he felt some of the resolve he’d built up to do this dissolve. Of course Karkat wasn’t online right now. He actually had a life that didn’t involve sitting on his ass for fucking centuries at a time.

Dave almost just shut the laptop again. Maybe he could just try again later. Maybe he could just not try at all and let Karkat go.

He could never fucking do that though, so instead he just took a deep breath and clicked on his handle, watching the little chat box pop up. He could still back out, he could fucking protect him from all of this, even if it hurt him in the short term.

Of course he didn’t, typing into the box and hitting send.

TG: hey  
TG: i know youre not here right now  
TG: but i wanted to say something before I lost the nerve  
TG: im sorry  
TG: rose told me she talked to you  
TG: you dont got shit to apologize for by the way  
TG: this aint your fault  
TG: none of this is  
TG: i know you probably dont believe me but its true  
TG: im just  
TG: im really fucked up karkat  
TG: and i dont want to hurt you  
TG: im trying so fucking hard not to hurt you  
TG: but you keep making it impossible to stay away  
TG: if you could just tell me to stay the fuck out of your life it would make things so much easier  
TG: feel free to do that by the way  
TG: i swear ill never talk to you again  
TG: just fucking say the word man  
TG: and ill be out of your hair  
TG: promise

There wasn’t any answer, but Dave expected that. He knew he should do something while he waited for Karkat to get back, like a normal fucking person would. But instead he just stayed right where he was, staring at the little chat box counting the seconds and minutes and hours until his handle finally lit up signaling he was back (2 hours, 16 minutes and 43 seconds).

CG: DAVE!  
CG: FUCK OH FUCK PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE STILL HERE.  
TG: hey  
CG: OH THANK GOD, I THOUGHT I MISSED YOU.  
TG: nah youre good  
CG: HOLY SHIT I WAS SO SCARED.  
CG: AND ALSO FUCK NO.  
CG: LIKE HELL AM I TELLING YOU TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE.  
CG: THAT’S THE LAST THING I WANT. FUCKING HELL DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I’VE BEEN?!  
CG: HOW FUCKING MUCH I’VE MISSED YOU?  
TG: i think i can make a safe guess  
CG: SORRY IF I’M BEING WEIRD.  
CG: I JUST. I DON’T KNOW.  
CG: YOU ARE SINGLE-HANDEDLY THE STRANGEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.  
TG: i know  
TG: and trust me you dont gotta apologize for being weird  
TG: its fucking nothing compared to how ive been acting  
CG: TRUE  
CG: FUCK I’VE MISSED YOU.  
TG: missed you too  
TG: sorry for making you cry  
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M CRYING?  
TG: what?

Oh fuck, he was crying? God damn it as if Dave didn’t already feel like complete and utter shit.

TG: i didnt  
TG: rose said you were crying when you talked to her  
CG: OH.  
CG: THAT MAKES MORE SENSE  
TG: sorry for making you cry again though  
TG: im such a piece of shit why do you put up with me  
CG: IT’S FINE. IT’S JUST BECAUSE I’M GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.  
CG: I KIND OF THOUGHT I NEVER WOULD.  
TG: oh  
TG: still sorry  
TG: for everything  
CG: ME TOO  
TG: you dont got shit to be sorry for man i already said that  
CG: I CLEARLY FUCKING DO  
CG: SOMEHOW I KEEP MANAGING TO HURT YOU AND I’M SO FUCKING SORRY.  
TG: but its not your fault  
CG: DON’T FUCKING CARE.  
TG: fine  
TG: hey karkat  
CG: YEAH?  
TG: do you still like me  
TG: like you said you did before I freaked  
CG: YES.  
TG: oh  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN?  
TG: no  
CG: OH THANK GOD  
TG: i just dont know what to do  
CG: ABOUT WHAT?  
TG: you liking me  
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.  
CG: IF IT HURTS YOU THIS BAD WE DON’T HAVE TO DO OR CHANGE ANYTHING  
CG: WE CAN JUST BE FRIENDS.  
TG: its not that i dont want to  
CG: I KNOW  
TG: i love you  
CG: I KNOW DAVE. IT’S OKAY.  
TG: thank you  
CG: I LOVE YOU TOO  
TG: fuck  
TG: i need to go  
CG: I’M SORRY!  
TG: no fuck its okay  
TG: not like that just for a little while okay  
TG: we can talk again tomorrow  
TG: i promise  
CG: OH.  
CG: OKAY THEN.  
TG: sorry for scaring you  
CG: IT’S OKAY.  
CG: TALK TO YOU TOMORROW THEN?  
TG: yeah tomorrow  
TG: later  
CG: LATER. 

Dave shut the laptop and put it off to the side before slumping back down. Could he get through a single conversation with him without crying his god damn eyes out? Probably not, and he fucking deserved it honestly. He was a piece of shit and if Karkat was crying he sure as fuck better be as well.

He didn’t bother to leave his room or tell anyone he talked to Karkat again. If John didn’t find out from Karkat then he’d let him know next time to came in, but right now Dave just needed to try and pull himself back together a little bit at a time.

He was doing this. He didn’t know what the fuck ‘this’ was anymore, but he was doing it. He couldn’t leave again, he couldn’t hurt Karkat like that. Whatever was going to happen he was stuck in it now. It was terrifying and it was going to hurt but Dave almost felt giddy.

Karkat loved him. For some fucking reason he still loved him without even knowing anything and sure it was going to crash and burn but fuck if it wasn’t nice in the moment.

Maybe they could meet up one day. Karkat said he wanted to. Sure it would just make everything that much more real, and it’d probably freak him out because there was no god damn way Dave was getting through that without crying, but it was still a possibility.

Dave waited almost exactly twenty-four hours before messaging Karkat again (23 hours, 18 minutes and 49 seconds).

TG: hey  
CG: HI  
TG: so howve you been  
TG: didnt really get much of a chance to actually catch up yesterday  
CG: EH, OKAY I GUESS  
CG: WORRIED ABOUT YOU, BUT THAT’S A GIVEN.  
CG: SCHOOL AND WORK HAVE BEEN THE SAME  
TG: cool  
CG: WHAT ABOUT YOU?  
TG: fine  
TG: okay thats a fucking lie and you know it as well as i do  
TG: but managing  
TG: feeling a lot better now that we've talked actually  
CG: THAT’S GOOD.  
TG: ive been thinking  
CG: OH?  
TG: yeah  
TG: and still not for like a while  
TG: but i really want to meet you  
TG: like in person  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: I WOULD TOO  
TG: sweet  
TG: im still kind of recovering from that last breakdown though  
TG: so might take a while  
CG: RECOVERING?  
TG: mentally  
TG: nothings wrong physically  
CG: OH, OKAY.  
TG: i know you worry about that stuff  
CG: SORRY, MY MIND CAN’T HELP BUT GO THERE  
TG: its cool

They kept talking for hours, until Dave could tell that Karkat was just about asleep at the keyboard and he had to tell him to go get in his coon already. It was too much and not enough all at once and Dave didn’t know what to do. He was pretty damn sure he’d never fucking know what to do again for the rest of his life. It was everything at once and left Dave raw and broken but he couldn’t stop. Couldn’t let go.

Apparently Karkat had let John know he was okay, because the next time he came to his room he didn’t ask Dave to talk to him or anything. He was happy and relieved and had brought him a couple of snacks and a drink. Didn’t tell him to eat or even mention the food, just left them on the side table before leaving.

Dave still didn’t feel much like eating, but he forced himself to so that it didn’t go to waste and because he knew Karkat would be appalled if he knew how long it’d been, even if it could never kill him.

Time felt like it was passing too fast. It felt like a blink of an eye when time ticked to one year since he first spoke to Karkat in this new universe, and Dave felt himself regretting the months of radio silence between them over that time. Time went so fucking fast and Karkat had so little and it was fucking terrifying. 

He was in this now. They didn’t talk about it, Karkat knew if freaked Dave out whenever they did but that didn’t change the fact that something had changed between them. It was wonderful and horrible all at once and Dave found himself laughing about it as much as crying.

He couldn’t help but say little I love you’s every now and then, and Karkat would return them without fail every single time. It stung but he couldn’t get enough of it. He couldn’t get enough of _Karkat._ He always knew that was the case but it was right up in his face now and he didn’t know what the fuck to do about it. All he knew was that he had such a limited time with Karkat and he didn’t want to waste it.

TG: hey karkat  
CG: HEY, WHAT’S UP?  
TG: nothing much  
TG: remember what i said before  
TG: about wanting to meet up and everything  
CG: YEAH?  
CG: WHAT ABOUT IT?  
TG: i want to  
TG: now  
CG: NOW?  
CG: LIKE. RIGHT NOW?  
CG: BECAUSE I’D FUCKING LOVE TO BUT I GOT CLASS IN LIKE TWENTY MINUTES  
CG: I CAN SKIP IF YOU WANT THOUGH  
TG: no man dont skip class  
TG: didnt mean like right this second

He kind of did, hell he would have gotten Jade to just teleport him right over if Karkat agreed, but he didn’t want to push him any. He could wait just a little bit longer.

TG: are you doing anything tomorrow though  
CG: NO, I’M FREE.  
CG: YOU WANT TO MEET UP THEN?  
TG: if that’s okay with you  
CG: FUCK YEAH THAT’S FINE BY ME  
TG: awesome  
TG: see you tomorrow then  
CG: RIGHT. SEE YOU TOMORROW.  
TG: love you  
CG: LOVE YOU TOO

Holy fuck Dave was in way too deep. This was going to hurt so god damn much.

There was no fucking way he was going back though. He wasn’t going to lose Karkat again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey remember this fic? i definitely didn't forget about it nope, that's totally not why i took so long to update i promise. Also, it turns out i literally can't write a chapter of this fic without crying at some point. i think that's probably a good thing. 
> 
> as always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

This was happening. This was fucking happening and Karkat might have been freaking out just the slightest bit.

After having talked to Rose and still not getting a single response from Dave for a few days he thought that might have been it. Dave was fucking done with him and he should just accept it already and move on with his pathetic excuse for a life.

Except then out of the blue he did message him. And he kept messaging him after that, and they might have just managed to work something out. It was complicated and confusing but it was something. They weren’t together, but they weren’t quite not together either. It was frustrating when Karkat thought about it too much, but mostly it felt right.

And it was so, so fucking much better than not hearing from him for months and worrying if he was okay and agonizing over every little thing he might have done to drive Dave off.

And now after all this fucking time he wanted to meet up. Actually meet in person and well, Karkat wasn’t sure what after that but he couldn’t even think about that right now. God damn it, why did he say that he needed to go to class? What if Dave changed his mind by the time tomorrow came? What if he fucking missed his one chance? It wasn’t like he was paying any fucking attention to whatever his professor was droning on about now. Being here wasn’t even accomplishing anything.

Karkat tried to tell himself that he could wait for tomorrow. He didn’t even have work tomorrow, so there was nothing stopping them from meeting up. Except for the fact that he was majorly freaking the fuck out over this.

Class seemed to drag on for fucking centuries, but finally he managed to get home. Karkat wanted to message Dave again, because instead of listening to a single word his professor had said, he went and thought of every possible little thing that could go wrong. There were so many things he didn’t have any control of with this. Fuck, they didn’t even pick a place to meet up. Maybe he should just wait until tomorrow morning to message him? They hadn’t picked a time either though.

Yeah okay he couldn’t wait until tomorrow. Karkat slammed down into his desk chair, hesitating once he had the messenger client up. Normally he wasn’t too nervous about messaging Dave. Hell, he looked forward to it most of the time. Dave was such a wonderful distraction from everything. It was just everything about him, Karkat couldn’t put it into words.

He just didn’t want to fuck up though, and there were so many goddamn ways he could fuck up here it was terrifying.

It was still Dave though, and he just wanted to know some simple things. When and where he wanted to meet up tomorrow. If he even still wanted to meet up. Fuck he hoped Dave still wanted to meet up.

CG: HEY DAVE?  
CG: YOU THERE?  
TG: yeah man whats up  
CG: NOT MUCH. I WAS JUST WONDERING  
CG: ABOUT TOMORROW I MEAN.  
TG: what about it  
TG: did something come up  
CG: WHAT? NO.  
CG: I’M STILL GOOD IF YOU ARE.  
TG: awesome  
TG: whats up then  
CG: I WAS JUST WONDERING WHEN EXACTLY YOU WANTED TO MEET UP.  
CG: AND WHERE  
TG: oh right  
TG: that’s important isnt it  
CG: MOST LIKELY, YES.  
TG: whens good for you  
CG: UM, I DON’T KNOW. HOW ABOUT ONE?  
TG: one works  
TG: theres a park down on cottonwood if you wanna meet up there  
CG: THAT SOUNDS GOOD.  
TG: cool  
CG: YEAH  
TG: uh  
CG: IS EVERYTHING OKAY?  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: just uh  
TG: i should probably warn you before tomorrow i guess  
CG: WARN ME ABOUT WHAT?  
CG: I TOLD YOU THAT I PROMISE I WON’T EVER JUDGE YOU FOR ANYTHING.  
CG: I MEAN AS LONG AS YOU’RE REALLY YOU? LIKE THIS WHOLE THING HASN’T BEEN A RUSE.  
TG: what no its nothing like that  
TG: im me dont worry  
TG: and in know you wouldnt judge me for anything  
CG: OH OKAY THEN. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO WARN ME ABOUT?  
TG: its not a big deal  
TG: but uh  
TG: if i start like  
TG: crying  
TG: or anything of that nature  
TG: its a totally normal dave response and not something you should be worried about  
CG: OH  
CG: OKAY THEN.  
CG: DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO CRY?  
TG: lets just say it wouldnt exactly be a shocking turn of events  
CG: THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP THEN.  
TG: no problem  
TG: fuck im sorry im such a fucking weirdo  
TG: i have no goddamn clue why you put up with me man  
CG: OH SHUSH YOU!  
CG: I PUT UP WITH YOU BECAUSE I FUCKING LIKE YOU AND YOU CRYING WHEN WE MEET IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THAT.  
TG: fuck man  
TG: keep that up and youre gonna be making me swoon even harder than i already am  
TG: weve reached swoon levels previously thought unattainable  
TG: scientist everything are shitting their fucking pants at this remarkable feat  
TG: sorry jade ill get you some new ones soon  
CG: YOU’RE RIDICULOUS.  
TG: you love it  
CG: I DO, UNFORTUNATELY.

Karkat talked with Dave for a bit longer, and it was all meaningless bullshit but he couldn’t bring himself to care in the slightest. It was just so fucking nice to talk to him and distract from the worry of whatever was going to happen tomorrow. It was a little strange that Dave was pretty sure he was going to end up crying, but he’d been a little strange from the beginning.

Eventually Dave had to tell him to go get some fucking sleep already, and Karkat could swear up and down that he wasn’t tired, but that was just the anxiety wanting to keep him awake. He was so god damn tired, and he made sure to set no less than four alarms to make sure he woke up in time.

God, he had no fucking idea why he was all worked up about this. Well, he did, but he also didn’t. He didn’t understand how he’d gotten swept away so fast. He knew it was a silly and downright idiotic way to think about it, but it really fucking felt like they had met before or this was destiny or some other asinine shit he’d read in one of his dumb romance novels. Karkat knew the real world wasn’t like that, but that didn’t make the feeling go away.

Eventually he managed to fall asleep, waking up several times throughout the night for fear that he’d overslept. Of course he didn’t though, and finally the first alarm he set went off and he could start getting ready.

It was ridiculous, he doubted Dave would give a shit about what he looked like, but he kept adjusting and readjusting every little thing. He just, fuck.

He just wanted to be everything that Dave seemed to think he was.

Finally he managed to settle on something that was more or less acceptable. It was also pretty much indistinguishable from how he normally looked. He would have never stopped fussing around if it wasn’t for the fact that he was paranoid as shit about being late.

It didn’t take long to get to the park, and he was a good twenty minutes early and now all there was to do was wait.

Fuck.

Karkat managed to find a spot under a tree that was close enough to the entrance that he could see everyone who came in and he wasn’t hidden. He kept glancing at his phone and the time, telling himself that it was okay, Dave still had plenty of time to get here. He was being ridiculous. Dave wouldn’t stand him up (was this even a date? Could Dave even theoretically stand him up?).

And if he did end up not showing, it was probably just his nerves getting the best of him. Whatever happened today this was a good first step. It helped him know that Dave did want something more as well.

He still really fucking hoped they did end up meeting today.

God damn it time was moving so fucking slow, Karkat could barely stand it. He considered messaging Dave, but decided against it. He didn’t want to seem as freakishly attached and pathetic as he was. He was sure Dave would find out in time and want nothing to do with him, but Karkat wanted to put that off for as long as possible. He just wanted this day to go well. They could take everything else from there. 

When one o’clock rolled around and he didn’t see Dave yet Karkat told himself to chill the fuck out. He could at least give Dave ten more minutes before trying to consider him the barest minimum of late.

1:01pm

1:02pm

1:03pm

Would it be too pathetic to message him? Just to let him know that he’s here? Maybe he got the wrong park. Or maybe Dave’s alarm didn’t go off, or something happened to hold him up. Or maybe he just forgot. Maybe Karkat could stop freaking the fuck out over this and act like a normal god damn person for once. That was probably asking a bit too much though.

CG: HEY  
CG: I’M AT THE PARK IF YOU’RE STILL INTERESTED IN MEETING UP.

Okay, that didn’t sound too crazed and hopeless to him. It wasn’t long before he got a message back, which did help to relieve a lot of the anxiety.

TG: hey  
TG: yeah i still wanna meet  
TG: on my way now

Alright, see perfectly reasonable response. He was on his way, he just wasn’t completely fucking anal about the whole thing and moved at the pace of a regular fucking person. Karkat managed to calm down a bit at that, not staring obsessively at the clock on his phone with reassurance that Dave was coming to see him.

After another moment he got another message on his phone.

TG: okay so  
TG: im here but  
TG: i might be freaking out a little already  
TG: this might not have been a good idea  
CG: WE CAN CALL IT OFF IF YOU WANT.  
CG: WHATEVER YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

Fuck he didn’t want to call it off. He wanted to meet Dave so bad he didn’t know why but the longer he went without seeing him the worse it felt and he didn’t know why. He’d never felt this way with anyone before he was fucking insane.

TG: no  
TG: no man we dont gotta call it off  
TG: i want to see you  
TG: just give me a minute to stop being a fucking idiot  
CG: TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED.  
TG: thanks

Karkat forced himself to wait patiently, despite the fact that Dave had to be close and god he wanted to see him. He couldn’t push Dave though, he was so fucking thankful that he hadn’t called it off. He could wait a couple more minutes for him to get control of himself.

TG: okay  
TG: i think im good now  
CG: IF YOU’RE SURE.  
TG: not really  
TG: please dont hate me if i freak  
CG: I DON’T THINK IT’S FUCKING POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HATE YOU  
CG: BUT I PROMISE I WON’T ANYWAY.  
TG: cool  
CG: I’M BY THE FRONT, UNDER A TREE IF YOU WANT TO COME NOW.  
TG: yeah okay  
TG: be right there

Karkat had his eyes glued to the entrance after that, and sure enough after a few quick seconds a human all hunched in on himself, a hood up over his head and shades on obscuring most of his face walked into the park. Karkat didn’t have to think twice about who it was.

Good fucking god he missed him.

He manages to quell the instinct telling him to run right the fuck over there and hug the shit out of that boy, but just barely. Dave seemed to catch sight of him just as fast, and offered him a casual little wave as he walked over to him.

It felt like it should be more than this. It was all so normal, no one else around bothered to give them a second glance. Karkat took a few steps forward as Dave came close, but they were simple steps forward that he didn’t even think about. Dave looked as calm as could be all hidden up by his shades and hood. There should be more than this. There should be hugs and tears and fucking breakdowns and kisses and just-

Karkat was getting fucking carried away. Of course nothing like that would happen. This wasn’t some god damn movie, they weren’t reunited lovers or whatever his mind was insisting was right.

“Hey,” Karkat said once Dave was close enough that speaking was normal. It took a minute to actually get the word out, and he didn’t know why he was like this, but he hoped Dave didn’t notice.

“Sup,” Dave said back, his voice sounding so much shakier than the rest of him looked, betraying the fact that he’d been crying not too long ago. It was fucking perfect.

“Not much,” Karkat forced himself to say, and he had no fucking idea what he was supposed to do now. Up close now, he could see the slight way Dave’s hands were shaking at his side and the redness on the bits of his face that wasn’t covered up. Yeah, fuck this.

Karkat closed the small gap between them without thinking, wrapping Dave up in a hug. He could feel the other boy freeze before slowly melting into him, and when he hugged back he held on so fucking tight it was almost hard to breath.

“Fucking great to see you,” Karkat mumbled into his shoulder, and Dave just nodded the slightest bit. He might have tried to say something back, but it just came out as this pathetic little croak and fuck. Fucking hell what was wrong with him?

Dave was definitely crying now, and it was so horrible actually having him there upset but he didn’t think it was because Dave wasn’t happy. At least he hoped it wasn’t because of that, because he was so fucking happy to see him.

For as much as he’d been obsessing over the time before Dave had gotten here, Karkat couldn’t say for the life of him how long they had stayed like that, and he didn’t fucking care. It was so nice being close to Dave and holding him, even if he was crying and shaking and there wasn’t anything Karkat could do to make him stop. Just being there was good enough. Or at least, he hoped it was.

Eventually though Dave pulled away and Karkat hadn’t realized until then that he had actually managed to go and tear up as well.

“Man, talk about an introduction, right?” Dave said, his voice all rough and quiet from the crying and it took everything Karkat had to keep from just kissing him at that. If that had happened because of a hug it probably wasn’t too good of an idea to broach something like that yet.

“Definitely not one I’ll forget, that’s for sure,” Karkat joked. The smile that was on Dave’s face seemed forced, but it was still a smile and one of the best fucking things Karkat had ever seen.

“I’m sorry, I know this is fucking strange,” Dave muttered and Karkat quickly shook his head. He didn’t want Dave to blame himself or think that he wasn’t happy with any of this.

“Shh, it’s fine. I don’t care, it’s wonderful. You’re wonderful,” Karkat tried to reassure him. He was pretty sure that all he managed to accomplished was almost bringing all the tears back. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I just,” Karkat stopped, not sure what he was 'just'. After a moment he took a deep breath and moved a hand up to wipe away one of Dave’s tears.

“I guess I’m just a little confused, but it’s fine. I promise,” he said, wanting nothing more than to reassure Dave that it was all okay. That whatever this was, it was all okay.

“Fuck, sorry,” Dave said, leaning forward again and resting his head on Karkat’s shoulder. “So fucking sorry, know it’s confusing, sorry,” he muttered. Karkat shushed him once again, because yeah it was fucking weird but he knew that a lot of that was his own fault, even if Dave was just blaming it all on himself.

“Relax, it’s alright, I don’t mind you big weepy fool,” Karkat told him, a clear fondness in his voice. Dave seemed to relax a bit more at that, but it still took a while before he was pulling away again, wiping at his eyes underneath his shades.

“Well, that happened,” Dave said, and all Karkat could do was nod in agreement. That it did. God, they were both fucking ridiculous, it was no surprise that they were great for each other. Karkat couldn’t help but start laughing at it.

“You okay?” Dave asked, sounding so fucking concerned, it was adorable. Karkat nodded, smiling at Dave and forcing himself to stop laughing.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, this whole thing is just so fucking stupid, I don’t know,” he said. Dave certainly seemed to agree with that, nodding.

“I know,” he said, seeming a bit hesitant to say something else. “Wanna maybe walk around?” he asked after a moment. Karkat looked around, there was a trail that led into the forest. The park wasn’t super crowded per say, but there were definitely people around who must have saw that weird fucking show they just put on.

“Yeah, walking sounds like a good idea,” he said. As they started into the woods Dave grabbed his hand. It didn’t look like he thought about it or even realize that he had and it was fucking adorable. God he loved this boy, Karkat barely even knew what to do with that fact.

They were quiet as they made their way into the forest, and Karkat was okay with this. More than okay, god he didn’t know why being around Dave was just so great in and of itself. He felt kind of like an idiot for it, but he didn’t care. This has the happiest he'd been in a long as fuck time, the reason as to why didn't matter.

“So,” Dave said after a while, and Karkat almost laughed again. He didn’t know why he felt so fucking giddy.

“So,” he echoed, which actually managed to draw a little laugh from Dave.

“God, I’m so bad at this, sorry,” he said, and Karkat shook his head, tightening his grip on Dave’s hand a bit more.

“You’re fucking fine, stop apologizing so much,” Karkat told him. Dave made like to speak but cut himself off before actually saying anything, so Karkat was pretty certain that he was about to apologize again.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Karkat said, not quite sure what else to say. Dave quickly nodded in agreement.

“So fucking nice, holy crap,” he said, and Karkat nearly laughed again at that, but it was true. God damn this was great, just walking with him and holding his hand and just being with him. He couldn’t describe it. He didn’t fucking want to describe it.

Eventually they happened upon a little place in the woods that was hidden away from the main part of the park. A tiny little stream ran through, and there were rocks big enough to sit on without any sort of difficulty. Karkat was glad that Dave didn’t seem to mind at all that he kept a hold of his hand as they sat down. He knew it was dumb but he couldn’t stop thinking that sooner or later Dave was going to realize that he was worth so much more than his fucked up self and leave.

Of course, Dave was more likely than not thinking the same exact thing about him.

“I know you said not to apologize anymore, but I just. I’m so fucking sorry about everything I put you though, all that worrying and junk,” Dave said after they sat down. Karkat just shrugged, hesitating slightly before leaning against him a bit more.

“It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re safe and don’t think I’m fucking insane for continuing to worry about you,” he said. Dave seemed to tense up at the increased contact or a moment, but started relaxing again after a few more seconds.

“I _do_ think you’re insane,” Dave started, “but that’s just cause you care about my fucked up self instead of someone way more worthy,” he finished. Karkat couldn’t help but scoff at that, because yep, totally thinking the same exact fucking thing.

“Well you got one thing right, I’m totally not worthy to date someone as amazing as you,” he said. He felt Dave tense up once again, pulling a bit away this time and Karkat couldn’t help but frown in confusion. At first he thought he might just be put off by the compliment. He acted the same way sometimes, but then he realized what he said and he could feel his digestionsac drop.

“I mean, I know we’re _not_ dating, and that’s cool! It’s fine, everything’s fine, this is fucking perfect Dave I swear I don’t need anything else,” he quickly tried to rectify. Dave gave him a small smile and leaned against him again, and it was sweet but Karkat could see just how fucking forced it was and fuck he felt horrible. Why’d he have to go and fuck up already, they were doing so well.

“Shoosh man, it’s cool,” Dave said, and Karkat felt himself freeze up at the casual little shoosh. Fuck, why did his feelings always have to be so tangled and complicated.

“I know, I just…” Karkat trailed off. It was fine, he was happy being in this weird limbo of nothing and everything with Dave, as long as he could just be a little bit close to him.

“You deserve better,” Dave mumbled, and Karkat started shaking his head, fully intent on telling him that it was fine, but he started speaking again before he could. “No, you do, okay? You deserve an actual fucking relationship and commitment and not whatever the fuck this all is,” Dave told him.

“Dave, I don’t care about that,” he tried to insist.

“No, you do, I fucking know you do. I fucking wish I could be a normal goddamn person for you. You have no fucking idea how much I want that,” he said, and something about it just made Karkat’s heart break.

“Well guess what, I don’t want a normal fucking person. I want you and if this is all you can do that’s fine,” Karkat told him, hoping that Dave would believe him because it was the truth. Dave was all he wanted and he didn’t care how fucked up or broken or whatever word he wanted to put on it he was, as long as it was him.

Dave just went and let his head rest in his hands, and it was hard to tell what he was feeling with how he was all covered up. Karkat wondered if there was a reason for that. He was wearing shades in all the pictures he’d seen, and Karkat wished he wouldn’t be so closed off. He didn’t want to push Dave anymore out of his comfort zone than he already clearly was. Maybe another time, but right now he just needed to take this at Dave’s pace.

“You really mean all that?” he asked after a moment, his voice quiet and uncertain. Karkat nodded without any hesitation, there wasn’t a single fucking thing he said that he wasn’t 100% certain on. Sure, he was a bit confused about the whys behind a lot of it, but that didn’t make any of his feelings less true.

“Of course,” he said. Dave was quiet for another moment, and Karkat was worried that maybe he was pushing this too fast. He was pretty sure that normal people didn’t get that fucking devoted to a person this fast.

“Maybe we could… I mean, it’s not like we’re really _not._ It’s just, I don’t know, I don’t want, fuck,” Dave started to ramble, and Karkat wasn’t sure what he was trying to get at.

“You don’t want what?” he asked, hoping that he wasn’t pushing any buttons. If he could just know what it was that was always freaking him out and keeping him held back though, maybe they could actually work through it. He just wanted to help Dave, but as it stood Karkat had no fucking clue how to even begin with something like that.

Dave just shrugged, not looking like he was going to answer for a while. “Don’t wanna trap you,” he muttered after a long bout of silence, surprising Karkat. That wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting, if he was going to get an answer at all.

“What do you mean? How would you trap me?” he asked, because that just didn’t make any fucking sense to him. How could Dave possibly trap him? He fucking wanted to be with Dave, there wasn't any chance for a trap. 

Dave sighed and shrugged, peaking up at Karkat from under his shades. “I dunno,” he mumbled, “just don’t want you to think you can’t ever leave. I know I’m fucked up and shit. Don’t want you thinking that you gotta fix that or need to stick by me if you’re not happy or something,” he added. Karkat couldn’t do anything but stare at him for a moment. Something like that had never even crossed his mind. He didn’t even know why it would. He didn’t immediately think about break up scenarios before he was even properly dating someone. 

“Dave, that’s…” he trailed off. He wanted to say that wasn’t going to happen, but he guessed there was no way to really promise that. He couldn’t say with absolute certainty that he and Dave would never break up, as much as it felt like a completely blasphemous idea in his pan right now.

He couldn’t say that he wouldn’t feel obligated to continue the relationship either. Dave was just so pitiful, he could very easily see himself trying anything he could to keep him safe and happy out of pale feelings for him.

Pale feelings that shouldn’t even be there for the quadrant they were trying to approach. Maybe. Dave had shooshed him just a few moments ago and he wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

“That’s not something you should feel responsible for,” he managed at last. It wasn’t Dave’s fault if he couldn’t set his own boundaries after all. Dave was shaking his head though, not looking like he was going to take that at all.

“Yes it is. Man, I know how fucked up I am I shouldn’t be dragging you down with me. You deserve more than that. You deserve to be happy and have a normal fucking life and not waste your time with a goddamn disaster waiting to happen it’s not fair it’s-”

Karkat know it was probably the worst thing he could have done at that moment, but he didn’t know what else to do. He loved Dave and he wasn’t listening. He just kept talking bad about himself and Karkat fucking hated it and he didn’t know how else to get him to stop.

Going straight in for the kiss probably wasn’t the best idea, no matter what all of his romance novels said.

He could feel Dave just freeze up, not even breathing. Karkat stayed pressed against him for another moment, but when he didn’t make any movement at all after a few more seconds he slowly pulled away. Dave’s expression was unreadable and a horrible feeling started to sink in Karkat’s gut.

“Sorry. Fuck, I’m so, so sorry Dave holy shit I didn’t mean. I mean I did, but I didn’t fuck, I’m sorry,” he rambled, and Dave just didn’t say anything and Karkat didn’t know what to do.

“It’s okay,” Dave managed to croak out after a long moment, but it sure as fuck didn’t sound okay.

“Sorry,” Karkat repeated, not sure what else to even say at this point.

“Shoosh, I said it’s fine,” Dave said, sounding a little bit better, but it still didn’t sit right with Karkat. He just wanted Dave to be happy, and he didn’t know how to do that. “You really want this?” he asked after another moment, sounding quiet and hopeful and so fucking precious to Karkat that there was no way he couldn’t nod.

“Yeah,” he said softly, trying to keep how hopeful he was out of his voice and pretty sure he was doing a terrible job of it.

“Okay then,” Dave said, sounding more certain than Karkat had expected. “Just, please promise me that if you’ve feeling overwhelmed or want out or anything you’ll tell me, please?” he asked and once again Karkat nodded right away.

“Of course,” he said, relief crashing through him when he saw the small smile starting to tug at Dave’s lips.

“Awesome,” he said, and Karkat couldn’t help but smile back at him and he still wasn’t super clear on what was going on but he didn’t fucking care. Dave was actually smiling and they were really dating and it was just fucking awesome.

Now he just had to keep from screwing it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's certainly been a while since I've updated this fic, sorry about the long wait. I wanted to get something out for 6/12 though, so I figured what better than to finally finish up this chapter and post it. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

Well that had gone both much better and worse than Dave had expected. He was certain that he had screwed everything up. That this was just the beginning of the end and everything he feared would eventually happen was now a certainty, but he was just too fucking happy to care.

Karkat loved him. Karkat loved him and wanted to be with him and didn’t care about how fucked up he was and it was so fucking amazing Dave could barely understand it.

He actually managed to hold himself together pretty well all things considered. Sure he wasn’t able to hold in the tears when he first caught sight of him and he nearly backed out right before because he was certain he was going to scare him off, but he went through with it none the less. Karkat never seemed to mind the crying or freaking out either. Dave couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

Sure, that didn’t change the fact that it was all going to go wrong, but fuck, maybe he could actually be a little happy for a while before that. Karkat seemed to want him to be happy and all he wanted was to make Karkat happy.

It was all a little awkward of course, especially when they finally got up to leave. He wasn’t sure if he should kiss Karkat or not. God he wanted to, and he figured that Karkat did too from the fact that he’d tried to kiss him earlier. He was still worried about that kind of stuff though, not wanting to push Karkat along too fast. Well, that’s what he was telling himself was the reason. It was more likely that he just didn’t know if he could handle it himself.

He just hugged Karkat instead, never fucking wanting to let go but managing to after way too short of a moment anyway.

Still, Dave told himself that this was more than he ever hoped to have. He would make it be enough, he wasn’t going to fuck up and waste the little amount of time he had. As long as he could see Karkat happy he’d be fine. He would make himself be fine with it.

He wasn’t sure where to go from here though, except that he wanted to see Karkat as much as possible, which the other boy seemed perfectly fine with. Dave made sure that they met in places without a lot of people. After all this time he still wasn’t super good in crowds. It actually seemed like it got worse the longer he isolated himself away. He guessed the others were right about that not being a good idea. Still, he could go out if it meant getting the chance to hang out with Karkat for a few hours.

Somehow he managed to keep himself from spilling everything. He felt like he got a bit too close for comfort a few times, but he would pull himself back at the last moment, and Karkat never bothered to press him on it. Somehow Karkat always knew just what to press him on or not.

There was so much that Karkat somehow knew that he shouldn’t and Dave tried so fucking hard to ignore all that. This was Karkat, but it also wasn’t. He felt pretty damn scummy whenever he remembered that, but he ignored it as best as he could.

He was sure his Karkat would understand. If he was in Dave’s shoes and had an alternate Dave who loved him he would respect that. Or at least he hoped that he would. Even if he couldn't be that good of a person, he knew that Karkat would. 

They were going to meet in the park today. I was an easy place to meet up, never that busy and walking around in the forest together was nice. Dave worried that maybe Karkat would get bored with doing the same thing over and over again, but he never seemed to complain. He just seemed happy to get to spend some time together, and that’s all Dave wanted anyway.

“Hey,” Dave said, so happy to see Karkat. It still blew his mind every time just how perfect he was. Dave wanted to pull him into his lap and kiss him and rub at his horns and soothe him until he was a big puddle of happy troll, but he wasn’t sure if they were quite there yet. Dave had been trying to stay away from most pale things too.

Pale meant talking, and the more he talked the more Dave worried that he might say something he shouldn’t, and he didn’t want to ruin this yet. He hadn't had nearly enough time with Karkat to fuck it up yet.

“Hey,” Karkat said back, going in for a quick little kiss and even still it made Dave’s heart flutter in amazement at just how fucking sweet he could be.

“How’re you doing?” Dave asked, taking his hand and starting towards the trail that led back into the woods. Karkat just shrugged before starting to tell Dave about his day. His classes were shit, his job was shit, everything was shit but he was happy getting to see Dave. He put the question back on him at that, and Dave had to make it sound like he didn’t have any life outside of Karkat.

He knew that he should have a life, but honestly it almost didn’t interest him anymore. Just drudging himself up to do shit that was all pointless in the long run. It wasn’t like there was any urgency. He had an eternity to do whatever. He didn’t have an eternity with Karkat though, so that was the biggest focus for him.

“Hey Dave?” Karkat said after a moment, and he sounded worried and nervous and Dave could feel his stomach just drop.

“Yeah?” he asked back, hoping that something hadn’t gone wrong. That he hadn’t said something wrong and Karkat was done with him already. It hadn’t been anywhere near long enough and he told himself that whenever Karkat decided he was done with him he’d be fine with that decision but _please_ not yet.

“I just wanted to talk to you about something. About um, us?” he started and fuck. This was it, god damn it he should have realized that Karkat would noticed what a fuck up he is. Of course things couldn’t be all happy and sunshine forever. He was goddamn crazy and Karkat was smart, he would pick up on it and now he was going to fucking lose him again and it hadn’t been nearly long enough.

Karkat must have noticed that he was quietly freaking out, because his expression went from worried apprehension to extreme concern when he looked over at Dave.

“Oh no, oh no Dave it’s okay! It’s not anything bad I swear. I’m not breaking up with you or anything like that, shoosh now,” Karkat told him and Dave tried to force himself to calm down. He wouldn't lie so if he said they weren't breaking up then they weren't. That was good enough for now. 

“Oh?” he asked, his voice sounding forced and fuck he hated that he was such a weak person. Karkat nodded, reaching over and wiping away a few stray tears that Dave hadn’t even noticed were a thing yet.

“Shhh, yeah it’s fine. Fuck, it’s probably not even a big deal to you, being human and all. I just, I don’t know, it’s fucking dumb, but this doesn’t have to change how we are, I swear,” Karkat said, starting to ramble a bit. Dave tried to smile at him, still worried beyond belief but he wanted to be collected for Karkat. They couldn't both be freaking out at the same time. 

“Alright then, what’s up man?” he asked.

“I just, this doesn’t make me any less red for you, I swear, but sometimes. Or like, a lot of the time, I feel like I’m pale for you too, not vacillating or anything, but like, fucking both. At the same time. And goddamn sometimes even a little bit pitch? Because it's so frustrating how you say there's nothing great about yourself when you're so fucking amazing it's ridiculous. I don’t fucking know but it’s kind of fucked up and I thought you should know,” Karkat explained. Dave could only stare at him for a moment before bursting out laughing. He knew he shouldn’t laugh, but he couldn’t help it.

“What are you laughing about?” Karkat snapped, actually sounding offended and the littlest bit hurt, and Dave quickly forced himself to stop.

“Sorry, so sorry man, I didn’t mean to laugh it’s just,” just that he’d already had that revelation so fucking long ago. Dave had forgotten that _this_ Karkat might not have yet. “Dude, we can do pale and black stuff too if you want, I don’t mind one bit,” he said. He didn’t want Karkat to worry about this after all.

Their relationship had been pretty much outside of the quadrants, and it took Karkat a long time to become comfortable with that. Just like it took Dave a long time to get comfortable with that fact that he was a guy. It felt so dumb thinking about that being a problem now though, but it sure had been for a while there. He was more than willing to help Karkat through all of that again if it was what he needed. As much as he’d been trying to ignore some of the pale aspects of the relationship, he really did miss them like crazy.

“I… really? You don’t mind?” Karkat asked, sounding completely and utterly flabbergasted at the notion. Dave couldn’t help but smile and nod.

“Course not man, I’d like that, actually,” he said, and god it was nice seeing the tension just melt out of the troll. He hadn’t noticed that this had been bothering him so much, and he felt kind of like shit for that, but he was just happy it wasn’t a problem anymore. Well, it probably would still be a problem for Karkat, but now that Dave had remembered that it was an issue he could help. 

“How the fuck did I manage to be with someone as fucking amazing as you,” Karkat said with a sigh. There were a whole fucking lot of things about that Dave wanted to fight him on, but he couldn’t bring himself to right now. Instead he just leaned forward, giving the troll a quick little kiss and just marveling at the fact that this was going well.

“I ask myself the same fucking thing about you every goddamn day,” Dave told him, wrapping his arms around Karkat. He didn’t feel much like walking anymore, just wanting to stay with the other boy and enjoy his company alone. He couldn’t completely put his guard down, because someone could walk by them at any moment, but it was still nice. He knew he needed to bring Karkat to his house one of these days, or go over to Karkat’s.

Probably go to Karkat’s first, he wasn’t sure how well dumping everyone on the troll would go over without some warning first.

Karkat didn’t seem to mind stopping, wrapping his arms around Dave’s shoulders and pulling him into a soft kiss. It always amazed Dave just how right it felt. How much it seemed like those hundreds of thousands of years never happened and he was right back with Karkat without missing a beat. He fucking wished he could do this forever, letting one hand wander up into his hair and the other one staying wrapped around his waist, holding the troll close.

Of course they couldn’t stay like this forever though, and Dave couldn’t keep himself from counting all the seconds as they passed, but it was still something amazing.

Dave couldn’t help but be a bit disappointed when Karkat did finally pull away. Then he could see him smiling and yeah okay that was really nice too. “Sorry, I guess it was a dumb thing to worry about since you’re human and all,” Karkat said and Dave shook his head.

“It ain’t dumb man, you’re allowed to worry about junk even if it turns out okay,” he said, and Karkat just hummed, nodding a bit.

“I guess so,” he said, and Dave figured that was about as good as he was going to get right now. As long as Karkat wasn’t upset or anything he supposed he could deal with that. Dave let his hand reach up to his face, trailing his fingers down his cheek and just wondering how the hell he could have gotten someone so perfect twice.

“Dave?” Karkat asked after a moment, sounding confused and knocking Dave out of the little introspection he’d gotten lost in.

“Sorry, just thinking about how amazing it all is, you being here and shit,” he explained. A small smile found its way onto the troll’s face at that.

“Where else would I be?” he asked, and Dave just shrugged.

“With someone a lot less fucked up, for starters,” he said.

“Shoosh, that’s dumb. I like how fucked up you are,” Karkat told him, and now Dave was smiling too. It was just, fucking hell he loved this troll. Why did he keep himself away from him for so long and freak out and try to avoid this because it was honestly the best thing that had happened in him in so fucking long. Way too fucking long.

Dave was very quickly reminded why he had tried to put this off.

Everything seemed to move too fast all the time. It wasn’t long at all before he ended up going to Karkat’s house for the first time. It wasn’t a big deal or anything like that. Karkat just realized he forgot his phone after they already met up and Dave let him know it was no problem to go back for it.

After that it wasn’t uncommon or them to hang out at Karkat’s place often, which was really fucking nice. Didn’t have to worry about other people wandering by. They could just sit on the couch and watch movies or make out or have the occasional feeling jam whenever Karkat seemed super stressed or could tell that something was going on with Dave.

It fucking sucked hiding shit from him during those times, but Dave just kept telling himself that it was for the best. He’d scare Karkat off, give him so much more to worry about. He couldn’t have that, he just couldn’t.

Everything had been going great for a while.

Then Karkat wanted to come over to _his_ house, meet his family, the whole shebang.

“I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want me to! I just thought it would be okay since I already met your one sister before and I don’t know. It seemed like a fun thing to do but if you’re not comfortable with that it’s fine,” Karkat rectified, and Dave knew that he meant it. If Dave wasn’t okay with this, he’d back off, not bring it up again and let Dave continue at his own snail’s pace.

He didn’t want that though. He knew he took way too long with everything, he couldn’t help it after living for the vast amount of time he had. He wanted Karkat to meet everyone too, god that would be fucking amazing.

What if it was too much for Karkat though? What if he didn’t understand why they all lived together? What if someone slipped up? There were so many things he couldn’t control he just had no idea what to do.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” Dave told him, because that was the first thing he needed to get out of the way. He wanted Karkat in every aspect of his life, and he needed Karkat to know that. “It’s just, I don’t know. My family can be a bit… much,” he said. Karkat gave him a look at that, like he didn’t quite believe him.

“Dave, I’m sure I’ll like your family. Rose seemed pleasant enough, and anyone who can put up with Egbert enough to actually date him has to be a goddamn saint. You’ve talked about how close you are to your brother too, it’ll be fine,” he said, and Dave found himself shaking his head. It wasn’t like that wasn’t all true, it fucking was, but it wasn’t just that.

“Yeah, the thing is it’s not just them though,” he said. Maybe if he tried to explain their big mashed together family of fuck ups he could prepare Karkat and it would be okay.

“It’s not? Are there like, your parents or something?” he asked, and Dave quickly shook his head.

“Nah, no adults, I would’ve mentioned them,” he said, which reminded him that he probably needed to talk Karkat about Bro sometime. He could deal with that later though. “It’s, well, John lives with us too, for starters,” he said. Karkat rolled his eyes at that.

“I think I can handle John of all people,” he said, and yeah that was a fair point.

“So does his sister, Jade. You'd like her. She’s cool, they’re twins too,” he started. Okay, just go by each person one by one. “And their cousins, Jake and Jane,” cousins was the lie they came up with that seemed to fit well enough how they thought of each other. “They’re both nice too, Jane’s a great cook, and uh, Jake is Jake. Him and John are a lot alike, Jake’s a bit shyer though, and is also dating my bro so there’s that,” he explained. Karkat nodded slowly, just seeming to take it all in.

“I guess that is a lot of people, but they sound nice enough Dave,” he said. Alright, maybe all of them would go well. It made enough sense after all, with John and Roxy dating why they would all live together. Dave wasn't too sure how to explain the other two people though. 

“There’s also Aradia, and Vriska, they’re trolls,” Dave told him, and that did seem to catch Karkat a little off guard. He didn’t say anything though, so Dave figured that was his cue to explain. “Aradia is great, she can be a little macabre at times, but like, in a cheerful way? Really great friend though. And Vriska, well she’s a bitch. She’s not around right now, but there’s no telling when she’ll be back so it’s best to just assume she’s gonna be there to cause trouble,” he finished.

Karkat was just kind of staring at him now, and yep he totally fucked up. God damn it why did he have to screw up everything?

“Uh, is there a reason why those two live with you all? Are they in quadrants with anyone?” he asked, and okay, that was a fair question.

“No, it’s not anything like that,” Dave said, and yeah Karkat was confused and definitely deserved some sort of explanation. Dave sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair and leaning back into the couch some.

“Okay, so it’s like, a long time ago a lot of bullshit went down, which we were all involved in, and it sucked. Eventually some of us managed to make it out, but we were all pretty damn fucked up from it and not in any position to just go out on our own, so we’ve all been sticking together. It helps a lot and is just nice to be able to have people who understand around you, ya know?” Dave explained. It was vague as fuck, but it was the most he'd said to him about what had happened. 

Dave could see the worry in Karkat’s face at that, but he was nodding none the less and didn’t actually seem all that bothered. 

“Well then, Dave I would personally fucking love to meet these people,” he said and jesus _fuck_ how did he get so lucky. He couldn’t stop the smile on his face at that and just god damn, Karkat was okay with this. He wasn’t pressing him on what happened and still wanted to meet everyone and Dave just couldn’t believe it.

“Okay then, awesome. I’ll let them know and figure out when you can come over,” he said, and this time Karkat was the one to get to look all happy surprised.

“Really? Because seriously, if you don’t think you’re ready for that I can wait. I just want you to know that I won’t judge you for anything, and that includes whatever your weird, apparently not entirely human family is like,” he said and Dave nodded. Yeah, he wanted Karkat to meet everybody now. He almost couldn’t wait, he wanted to head back right now and set shit up.

“Yeah man, I want you to meet them. I was just worried and shit that you wouldn’t understand. It’s okay if you don’t understand, I just, I don’t know. I want you to like them,” he said. Karkat smile and leaned forward, giving Dave a small peck on the lips.

“Of course I’ll like them. Anyone you care about so much has to be at least a little decent,” he said.

“Oh, you don’t gotta like Vriska tho. She can be a bit much. Like I know I said they all can be much, but she’s like, on a whole other level. I’m pretty sure the only people who can rein her in are John and Aradia sometimes,” Dave told him, and Karkat laughed a little at that.

“Alright then, I will withhold my judgement on Vriska until I actually meet her. You said she’s not with you all right now?” he asked and Dave nodded.

“Yeah, she’s off looking for her moirail,” Dave said, figuring that he could maybe explain that a little bit more. It certainly seemed to catch Karkat’s attention, so he continued. “We lost a few people when the bullshit went down. Vriska’s moirail, Aradia’s matesprit, Rose’s girlfriend,” You. But Dave didn’t let himself say that. “She thinks she might have found a lead about where she is, so she’s out looking.”

“I hope she finds her,” Karkat said, sounding so sincere and god he was such a sweetheart. Dave just nodded in agreement.

“I hope she does too.”

When Dave got back to his house after leaving Karkat’s that day, he didn’t even know where to start. Didn’t need to clean up, being all powerful gods kinda helped with that. The place was huge, like, unnaturally huge, and Dave would have to ask Roxy to get rid of the void while Karkat came over so that he could actually see it. But there was no doubt he’d be confused as fuck about how they could all afford this place.

God, there would be so many fucking questions.

He could deal with that later, right now he just needed to tell everybody that he was going to bring Karkat over. In exactly two days from now, at 3pm (which gave them 46 hours, 42 minutes and 23 seconds) to get things under control. Or at the least make sure that no one was wearing their goddamn godtier outfits and had any excess wings floating around. Also to tell people to stop fucking floating around in general.

John was easy, he was super excited for Karkat to be over anyway. Jade congratulated him and wished that Karkat could show up even earlier. Rose seemed happy that his endeavor was going well. He almost took the chance to ask how things were going with Kanaya. They hadn’t talked about it yet and Dave knew they should but he was fucking scared about what the answer might actually be, that maybe Rose wasn’t able to bring her memory back and that maybe she never could.

Roxy nearly took down the void shield right then and there. Jake never wore his godtier anyway so he was perfectly fine with the request. Jane and Dirk were both more than alright with going along and pretending to be a normal family for a couple of hours. Aradia was excited to see Karkat again, although she promised not to let anything slip, which was a big relief. Sure he knew no one would intentionally let anything go, but it was still good to hear the reassurance.

All in all, that took maybe two hours to find everybody and fill them in on what needed to get done before Karkat showed up. And now he just had to wait. God damn it that was not going to be easy.

Dave went to his computer, but Karkat wasn’t online. He knew he wouldn’t be online. Dave had only left because he needed to get to work, and he had to be at work for at least another three hours. He looked around his room, wondering if there was something he needed to change before Karkat got there. They’d probably be spending most of the time in here when he wasn’t introducing him to everyone else after all.

It was a pretty dim room, with some posters on the walls and shelves and a proper desk and chairs and dressers and shit. It wasn’t anything like his room had been growing up, and he liked it like that. He almost couldn't remember what it old room looked like. 

He didn’t have any pictures from back during the game, so there wasn’t any proof of his relationship from back then that he needed to hide. Normally he hated that fact, but right now it was a blessing.

A very small blessing, but he would take it.

He couldn’t find a single fucking thing to do though, so instead he decided to just send the last person he wasn’t warned a message just in case she really did pick the worst fucking time to come back. 

TG: hey vriska im having karkat over on thursday from three to whenever  
TG: if you come back during that time make sure to cut out the godtier and wings and flying shit  
TG: k thx

He didn’t get a response, but he didn’t expect to. He didn’t get along with the troll girl much at all, but he kind of wondered just how her search was going. He missed Terezi after all, if she was back Dave would kind of like to know. It’d be cool getting to see her again even if she didn’t remember anything about him. 

She’d been a good friend, and Dave knew that he never told her that as much as he should have. 

With that out of the way though there was nothing left for him to do. He just had to wait. 

Waiting was fucking hard, and he wanted to meet up with Karkat but he knew he had a life outside him and Dave just had to tell himself that he’d see him soon. It felt like it took forever and came way too fast when it finally did. 

All of a sudden it was Thursday and Karkat sent him a message saying that he was ready to meet up. Dave did a last minute dash around to make sure everyone was ready and in order before heading out. Roxy assured him that the void shield was down and they’d keep everything magical under wraps while Karkat was around.

Taking a deep breath, Dave went to go meet up with Karkat. He was waiting at their usual meeting spot by the park. It made Dave’s heart fucking melt when he saw a smile spread across his face once Karkat caught sight of him. 

God he loved him so much. He really hoped he wasn’t making a mistake here.

“Hey Dave! You’re still okay with this?” he asked, and that was another amazing thing about him even after all this time. He kept making sure that Dave was okay with everything they did, despite the fact that Dave wouldn’t give him full reasons for why he was so skittish about everything. He just accepted it all without a moment’s hesitation.

“Yeah, I’m good if you are,” Dave said.

“Alright then, lead the way,” Karkat told him and Dave started back in the direction of their house. It was a bit further that he figured Karkat would expect, and Dave couldn’t speed up the trip without Karkat noticing something suspicious. Still, it was nice to get the walk to try and relax some and maybe prepare Karkat for what he was about to experience.

"So, is there anything you wanna know before you get there? About anything or anyone, I’m an open book right now. For the most part I guess,” Dave said. Karkat seemed to think for a moment as they continued to walk.

“I guess, is there anything I shouldn’t do? Or not do? Like, I don’t know, just anything I should be careful about?” he asked and yep, just continuing to think about others. Dave supposed that made sense though, since he did kind of tell him that they’d all been through hell and Karkat could clearly see how that affected him.

“I think you’ll be fine. Pretty much everyone else adjusted a bit better than I did, ya know?” Dave told him. It was simpler to just lay it straight out like that. He was fucked up and that was pretty much all there needed to be said on the matter. Everyone else was too, but they could hold it in a lot better. Sure Rose had definitely broken down when she saw Kanaya the first time, but since then she seemed a hell of a lot better.

Karkat still seemed worried though, and Dave wasn’t too sure what that was about. “Do you think they’ll like me?” he asked suddenly, and Dave had to just stop and stare at him at that.

“Dude, they’ll _love_ you, I promise,” he said, because holy shit he hadn’t even thought about Karkat worring about something like that as a possibility. Of course he didn’t, as far as he was concerned everyone already cared about Karkat and considered him a friend. Of course he wouldn’t know that though.

“Are you sure? Because yeah I know that John likes me I guess? But he seems like the kind of person who would like anyone who gives him the time of day. I just, I don’t know, they mean so much to you I would hate for them to not think I’m good enough for you or something,” Karkat rambled. He looked so fucking worried and nervous that Dave couldn’t help but pull him into a quick hug.

“They won’t think that, holy shit dude. If anything I’m the one who’s not good enough for you! I know they’ll like you, I promise,” Dave told him before pulling away. Karkat smiled at him, and he didn’t look entirely convinced but he didn’t argue back.

“If you say so,” Karkat said, and they started walking again. It took a while, but eventually they started to reach the house. Dave could see the confusion starting to form on Karkat’s face as they approached it. He didn’t say anything though, and once they were right out front Dave stopped. He figured this was a good thing to address before actually meeting anyone.

“Well, this is it,” he said, gesturing towards the large monster of a house.

“You… live here?” Karkat asked, surprise clear in his voice and Dave couldn’t do anything but nod.

“Yeah. Why?” Dave asked, even though he knew why.

“Holy shit,” Karkat muttered, and yep that pretty much summed it up.

"Like I said, there’s a lot of us, so ya know, we needed a lot of room,” Dave tried to explain a bit. It was true though, they didn’t make something huge just for the hell of it, they used pretty much every space. It made the place feel alive and lived in and not just some hollow mansion gotten to show off. They didn’t want to show off at all, that was why they made the damn thing invisible most of the time.

“So, want to go in?” Dave asked, and Karkat hesitantly nodded, before repeating the motion with a bit more resolve.

“Yeah, if you are, I’d love to,” he said, and god Dave didn’t deserve him.

Well, time to see just how much he might have fucked up here. Hopefully nothing irreparable would happen. 

He really should just be expecting the worst though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha two months what two months i have no idea what you're talking about. Really though sorry about taking an obnoxiously long time for this chapter, I have no excuse whatsoever.


	8. Chapter 8

Dave lived in a goddamn mansion. That needed to get out of the way first. Karkat wasn’t sure what he expected as he walked with Dave to his home, but what he saw definitely didn’t fit the bill. 

It did make sense, or well it did to a point. Dave told him that there was a lot of them, Karkat guessed it would be impractical as fuck for that many people to live in a small normal sized home, especially with a couple of trolls around as well. Like it wasn't true for everyone but generally trolls weren't the best roommates in tight places.  
Even still it took him off guard when he actually saw his house and how huge and sprawling it was. How the hell were they able to afford it all? At the very least he couldn’t remember Dave ever mentioning a job, neither had John. 

He wasn't sure what job would allow for massive months long withdrawals either. Unless he was self employed? Still, that didn't seem like what was going on here, he was sure Dave would've said something if he fucking sold music online or whatever. 

That wasn’t important right now though. Karkat figured he could always ask about the job thing later. What was important was the fact that he was about to meet Dave’s family, and he was kind of terrified. He knew he probably didn’t deserve Dave, but god he loved him and wanted to be with him. 

What if they didn’t like him? What if they thought he was _bad_ for Dave? He wouldn’t put it past them, he wouldn't even be sure if they were wrong, what with the effect he’d had on him a few times. As much as everyone tried to ignore it Karkat knew there was something about him that hurt Dave. He’d change whatever it was if he knew how to but he didn’t and no one would tell him and it sucked. 

Dave promised that they’d like him though. As they took the long as fuck walk up to the front door, Karkat really hoped that was true. 

All in all, the inside of the place wasn’t some giant sprawling thing like he expected from the outside. It looked a lot like a normal house, which didn’t fit with the grand exterior at all. He figured there’d be some fancy entryway with spiraling staircases or something, but it was just a slightly larger than average walkway. 

There wasn’t anyone waiting for them right when they walked in the door which Karkat counted that as a small blessing for now. He hadn’t thought they would get ambushed as soon as they stepped inside, but it was a possibility. Dave must have noticed him looking around because he shrugged a bit sheepishly after a moment. 

“I told everyone to wait and do what they normally do and I’d bring you to them. I figured that’d be better than getting swarmed by everyone first thing,” he explained, and Karkat couldn’t help but smile a bit as he nodded. It looked like a possible ambush was even more likely than he’d thought. 

“Yeah, that sounds a lot better actually, thanks,” Karkat said. Taking them all one on one was probably something he could handle. He’d make it something he could do even if it wasn’t as long as it meant meeting the people so important to Dave. 

“So uh, this way then I guess,” Dave said, starting to walk further into the house. Karkat quickly followed after him. Looking around and the place wasn’t super dirty or anything like that, but definitely lived in. He kind of liked it, there were books everywhere and little bits of machines he didn’t understand and what might be puppets or dolls or something? He wasn’t sure. 

It wasn’t long before they ended up in the nutritionblock, and Karkat was a bit relieved to see John in there. He could definitely handle John of all people. 

“Karkat! You made it, that’s awesome!” John said, getting up from where he was sitting at a table in the corner. Karkat shrugged, because yeah he figured most if not all of the people here knew he was coming over, but it was weird thinking they were looking forward to it. Maybe John was the only one who was though, that would make sense. John almost always seemed excited to see him for some strange as fuck reason Karkat couldn’t understand. 

“Dude, did you camp out in the kitchen so you would be one of the first ones to see Karkat?” Dave asked, and Karkat noticed that it didn’t look like John had been eating anything, so that was a highly probable thing. 

“I just thought Karkat might like to see someone else he knows before getting thrown to the wolves,” John said, and that worried Karkat a bit more than it should have. He knew that they must all care a lot about Dave but being referred to as ‘the wolves’ was not doing good things for his confidence here. 

“Dude, you’re gonna scare him. Relax, everyone here is actually pretty nice,” Dave said, and Karkat wasn’t sure if he loved or hated the way Dave could always see right through him. He was pretty sure it was both, because fuck keeping his emotions logical. 

“Yeah that’s true, Dirk and Rose are super nice despite the way they like to pretend they’re all cold and cool a lot of the time,” John said. Dave rolled his eyes a little at that, and it was kind of amazing seeing Dave act like this. He was obviously pretty calm here, it was a nice change. 

“Yeah even them. Dirk’s a fucking marshmallow when you get to know him and Rose is all talk. Well no she’ll fucking kill a dude if she needs to but it’s usually for a good reason. You don’t gotta worry man, like I said, they’re all going to love you,” Dave said and before Karkat could say anything John was nodding in agreement.

“Oh for sure! I was joking about the wolves thing, they’re all super excited to get to see you. Well Jade might be like a wolf, but like, a super friendly wolf,” he said, and Karkat supposed that was a good thing. Excited was better than annoyed or aggravated about it, at the very least. A friendly wolf was the best kind of wolf he could hope for. 

“If you guys say so, then sure why not,” Karkat said. John came over and ruffled Karkat’s hair in between his horns, and was smiling brightly when he pulled away. 

“I’m really glad you’ve finally gotten to come over Karkat, I hope you like everyone,” he said, and then he was out of the room in practically the blink of an eye. It was always annoying as fuck when he’d do that and end up sneaking up on Karkat when he was working. Karkat supposed that out of everything though that was a pretty minor complaint. 

“So uh, you’re still good to meet everyone? Like if you wanna back out now I don’t blame you,” Dave said, and Karkat quickly shook his head. 

“What? No, of course I still want to meet them. John’s the last person who’s gonna scare me away from something,” Karkat assured him. Sure he was still pretty nervous but ultimately this was something he wanted to do. Dave seemed to relax a bit at that and nodded.

“Okay cool, this way then I guess,” he said, starting forward again and leading Karkat out of the nutritionblock. Heading up the stairs, something about the house didn’t seem quite as big as it was on the inside as it was on the outside. Karkat figured it was the layout or something like that, but it was weird to have the feel of a normal house inside of a fucking mansion. 

One of the doors up at the top of the stairs was left cracked open, and Dave knocked slightly before peaking inside. 

“Hey Rose? Karkat’s here,” he said, and he’d only barely been able to finish his sentence when a girl who was not the one Karkat had met before pushed the door the rest of the way open. 

“Karkat hi it’s so nice to meet you finally! Dave talks about you all the time! I’m Roxy by the way,” she said, speaking fast as she grabbed his hand and shook it without hesitation. Karkat nodded slowly, and he figured it made sense that someone so energetic would be with John. Although the idea of dealing with two of them at the same time was already giving him a headache. 

“Thanks, it’s uh, nice to meet you too,” he said, pulling his hand back as soon as she let go of him. Looking over Rose was coming out of the room as well and okay from their meeting before she seemed more his speed. Which was anything less than fucking 150 miles per hour. “Good to see you again,” Karkat said, and god this was all feeling so formal and official. He wanted to meet Dave’s family, it wasn’t like that, this felt weird was all. 

“A pleasure to see you as well, you’re looking better,” Rose said. 

“Thanks?” Karkat said, and he guessed it was true, he wasn’t anywhere near as upset and shit as he was the first time they met. He wasn’t sure what exactly to do, but everything felt strange and the more he thought about it the less he had any idea as to why. He was trying not to make it obvious how fucking not normal he was though.

“So how’s the tour going for you? We the first to see you or did someone else get to have that fun instead?” Roxy asked. 

“Uh good. I saw John before but he doesn’t really count,” Karkat explained, Roxy quickly nodding and holding up a hand for a hive five for some fucking reason. 

“Haha yes, that nerd totally doesn't count,” she said as Karkat gave her a very tentative high five. This was weird. He didn’t know why it was but it was and he didn’t know what to do but he didn’t like it. Fuck, he didn’t want Dave to think he didn’t want to be around his family. It wasn’t them. 

“Well, we’ll let the two of you continue on,” Rose cut in, Roxy looking disappointed at that. “There’s a lot of people to meet and we don’t want to take up too much of your time,” she continued. 

“Yeah sure thing, we’ll catch you later,” Dave said and Karkat couldn’t help but be a bit relieved at the chance to get away for a few moments. 

“Right, later,” Karkat said before going to follow after Dave as the two girls went back into the room. How many more people were there he had to meet? A lot, they’d admitted so themselves. He was pretty sure there was only one other actual sibling Dave had, but there was a bunch of other people who lived here too, John’s whole family unit and a few trolls. 

Karkat suddenly wasn’t too sure if he could actually do this.

Even still, he didn’t make any move to stop Dave. This was important to him and it was pretty much his whole idea in the first place so he could power through it. 

It wasn’t anywhere near long enough when they stopped at another door. Dave was being pretty quiet if Karkat thought about it, but that wasn’t too unusual. It seemed like he always wildly swung between never shutting up and being almost completely silent. 

“Hey Jade, you in there?” Dave called as he knocked. It wasn’t a second later before the door was flinging open. Were they all right on the other side waiting for him to show up? Probably not but it kind of felt that way.

“Hey Dave! Karkat, it’s so nice to see you!” a girl who looked just fucking like John said. He guessed this was one of his sisters. Cousins? Looked like a fucking twin to him. He honestly couldn’t remember the exact human family relationships John had living here. 

“Nice to meet you too?” he said and god Karkat didn’t expect so many people living here to be quite this bubbly. He guessed John was pretty upbeat but it wasn’t what he was picturing. He figured it was better this way though. 

“This is Jade, Jade, Karkat,” Dave introduced the two of them. 

“Hi Karkat, I’m sure Dave’s told you next to nothing about us,” Jade said with a smile.

“Not true, I’ve totally told him all about everyone. Uh, some? Karkat what’ve I told you?” Dave tried to defend himself before turning back to Karkat. He seemed to be loosening up some, which was good. Karkat still felt uneasy, but it was nice to see Dave feeling comfortable. He seemed pretty shut off after all, it was good to know he had people besides Karkat to depend on. 

Honestly he probably depended on all of them a lot more than he depended on Karkat.

“Uh, their names I think?” Karkat said, a triumphant smile appearing on Jade’s face at that. 

“Yep, that sounds like Dave,” she said. 

“Babe, you’re supposed to be on my side here,” Dave complained, very obviously joking. Dave joking was nice, Karkat needed to relax. This was nice, he needed to stop freaking out over nothing. 

“I am on your side, I’m just bound by the truth here,” Karkat told him. 

“Aw Dave, why did you wait so long to bring him over you’ve been holding out on us,” Jade said. Okay, that was probably good. That meant that she liked him. That was what he was so freaked about right? Them not liking him and thinking he wasn’t good enough for Dave? Somehow that didn’t feel right anymore. He was still worried about it, but it didn’t quite sit as the whole truth. 

“Hey I needed to make sure he wasn’t gonna turn tail and run as soon as you all fucking pounced on him,” Dave joked. Karkat rolled his eyes at that. 

“You knew I wasn’t gonna do that a long time ago,” he said, Dave just smiling at him and that. That was nice. Seeing Dave actually fucking happy was so important. It made all of this worth it. 

“Aw, you two are so cute,” Jade said happily. 

“Yeah, yeah we’re fucking adorable,” Dave said, and Karkat was pretty sure he was embarrassed, even if he was trying to hide it. 

“Well Karkat, know you’re welcome here at any time okay? Definitely feel free to come hang out sometimes, we all really just, well we’d love to have you around,” Jade said, sounding surprisingly earnest. Karkat guessed it made sense, if they felt like he was actually good for Dave or something. John had made it sound like he wasn't in too good of a place before they met after all. 

“Yeah sure thing, thanks,” he said, not sure how to feel about that. It was nice, he supposed. He hadn’t expected them to be quite so welcoming so fast. 

“Well we’ll catch you later Jade, gotta keep on making the round and shit,” Dave said, Jade quickly nodding. 

“Of course! I won’t be greedy like you and hog Karkat all for myself, I’ll let you share him with everyone else,” Jade said. Karkat guessed Dave must have talked about him a lot. Jade seemed strangely comfortable with him. Of course he guessed she could just be that kind of person, John was honestly the same way when they had first met. 

“See you later,” Karkat said, because even with the uneasy feeling he had he did want to see her again sometime. Dave seemed to get along with her well and she was a lot like John and so Karkat would probably be able to stand her well enough.

“Definitely,” Jade said before they left. When they turned the corner Dave started speaking up, surprising Karkat. 

“So, how’s it going so far? I know they can all be a lot,” he asked. Karkat was tempted to argue with that, but Dave wasn’t exactly wrong in that regard. They were a lot and he hadn’t even met them all yet, but they weren’t bad or anything like that. 

“It’s fine, your family’s nice,” Karkat told him. He didn’t think Dave would mind him lumping them all in as his family, he’d said before that he pretty much felt that way anyway. 

“Okay cool,” Dave said, walking a bit more before stopping again. It wasn’t at a door though and Karkat was confused. “Are you sure everything’s okay?” he asked. Karkat had been trying not to let everything show on his face but he guessed Dave was able to see past that anyway. He shouldn't be surprised, Dave usually could. He let out a long sigh as he shrugged.

“Yeah, yeah it’s fine. It’s just, I don’t know what it is I guess,” he said quietly. He didn’t want to upset Dave, but it’d hurt him if he thought Karkat was keeping stuff from him too. “I do like them all, I swear it’s not anything like that,” he said, trying to figure out how to put to words what he was feeling. 

“Do you wanna stop?” Dave asked, Karkat shaking his head at that. 

“No, but it’s just,” Karkat paused, not sure _what_ it was. “It’s weird.” He finally settled on. 

“Yeah, I know,” Dave mumbled, sounding almost resigned to the idea and fuck no that wasn’t what Karkat wanted. He didn’t know what he wanted but definitely not Dave all sad and shit. 

“Wait, fuck that’s not what I mean. I don’t think your family or any of this is weird,” Karkat reassured him, frowning as he thought that over for a moment. “Okay, that’s not entirely true, this all is pretty weird, but like, not a bad weird. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m sorry,” he said and this time Dave was the one looking worried. 

“What no you don’t gotta apologize for anything dude,” Dave said. Karkat shrugged, sure for some reason or another that wasn’t true. “Look, I know shit’s strange with me, it’s okay. I’m just really fucking glad you haven’t decided to leave yet,” he added. 

“I’m not going to leave you,” Karkat told him instantly. He wished he knew why Dave was always so convinced he was going to leave eventually. As much as he tried not to he had a few guesses on what it could be. 

Maybe it was better if he didn’t know though. There were some things he wanted to do to the person who hurt him so bad to make Dave feel like this that would be a bit less than legal. 

“Still, thanks,” Dave said but Karkat was still stuck on that ‘yet.' It was stupid, he knew Dave was like this and he knew he shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t be completely sure he could keep but fuck if he didn’t want to anyway. 

“I mean it,” Karkat told him firmly, “I’m not going fucking anywhere.” The flash of emotions that washed over Dave’s face was hard to read but he could tell there was pain in there and it felt like someone stabbing him in the chest to see that. He didn't want to hurt Dave. 

“Yeah,” Dave said simply, sounding choked as he spoke. Karkat couldn’t do anything before he was walking again. “Come on, shouldn’t keep everyone else waiting,” he mumbled, a raw edge of pain still in his voice. 

“Dave,” Karkat said softly, not sure what to do but fuck he wanted to help. 

“It’s cool man,” Dave reassured him, although Karkat wasn’t too sure how much he believed that. “We can talk more after introducing you to everyone else if you want,” he said and Karkat nodded. Dave didn’t offer to talk more on these sorts of things often. 

“Yeah okay, that sounds good,” Karkat said, returning the slightly forced smile Dave gave him. 

“Love you,” Dave mumbled after a moment, his smile getting a little bit more genuine. 

“Love you too,” Karkat said back automatically. It was true after all, he didn’t have to think twice about it. Even if shit was weird and uncomfortable it wasn’t like that was new or enough to make him question that in the slightest. He loved Dave and he loved being with him and seeing him getting slowly better. 

He loved talking and hanging out with him and watching movies and meeting his family knowing that these were people he was safe with. Seeing him happy and smiling again and almost at fucking ease for once. 

Karkat grabbed his hand as they continued down the hallway and when he looked at Dave he was still smiling but he looked so fucking _worn down._ There was always a layer (or hundreds of layers) of sadness there that Karkat couldn’t place but fuck he wanted to take that away from him.

He wanted to see Dave joking and smiling all easy and stupid like he used to. It hurt seeing him so subdued, he just wanted to see Dave _happy_ again and wait what? 

“Karkat? You okay?” Dave asked, and apparently he’d stopped walking at some point. He still had Dave’s hand held tightly in his own and the other boy was staring at him all confusion and concern on his face. Karkat couldn’t understand those thoughts that had been going through his head before. They didn’t make any sense. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, staring at Dave and trying to… trying to what? He had no idea. Dave didn’t look too convinced and Karkat couldn’t blame him for that. 

“You sure? We can stop if you want,” he said but that wasn’t what Karkat wanted. 

“No I said it’s fine,” he insisted. Dave didn’t argue with him again, jut nodding. Neither of them went to start walking again yet though, Karkat taking a long minute to look Dave over. 

“I want you to be happy,” Karkat said finally, because that was all he could make out of his previous thoughts. It was out of the blue and Dave was looking at him strange but it was true. 

“I am happy man, you don’t gotta worry about that,” Dave said, and Karkat knew that wasn’t true. Still, it wasn’t the right time to argue about that. He didn’t even want to argue. 

“I know but still, I do,” he said. Dave nodded again, clearly not sure what to say to that. “Well, let’s go meet the rest of your family,” Karkat added, figuring it was best to put all of that on the back burner for now. They could talk about it later. They _would_ talk about it later, even if Karkat wasn’t sure what 'it' actually was. 

“Yeah, sure thing,” Dave said, starting to lead him again. Karkat watched him as they walked, still mulling over those thoughts from before. 

He guessed they didn’t matter too much. As long as they were both happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA **AAAAAAAAAAAAAA**
> 
> so uh, been a while since i last updated this. like, half a year, at least. sorry about that, i don't have much of an excuse besides hitting some major writers block combined with rapidly approaching graduation. I'm getting back into the swing of things tho, so hopefully this'll be the start of a semi regular updating schedule again. 
> 
> thanks for everyone who stuck through the waiting game tho, it means a lot.


End file.
